Good night

Yesterday was the memorial services for Everett. The son of a friend of ours that came with a serial of deffects that nobody could find a solution for, he passed away few hours after he was born. For the few of my friends that I told I was going to this memorial services their faces was of pain. How such a tiny creature could go away? How possible such thing happened to somebody?

I don't think that anybody will ever be prepare to let a loved one go...less a person you created. Talking with Brad yesterday after the services, I thought in all those soldiers that have died...son or daughter of somebody. I heard one time in a movie that "no parent should buried their children". And is true. The pain, I assumed, is unbearable.

Although Everett beat the odds, staying alive longer than the doctors predicted, the outcome was not unchanged.

Yesterday was in general a very stressful day. I woke up feeling crappy...the part I did not know Brad was feeling worse than me. We both are sick. Dylan has been sneezing all week and with a cough. It looks he is better than us in that matter, but I was getting worse and worse...and I already had antibiotics two months ago, same time that Dylan got sick too. My plan was that Brad would take care of Dylan for the day before going to the memorial services around 2pm while I was able to take a nap. The services were in Canton, which was an hour away from where we at. Sure I was for a different day. Brad asked me that he needed to rest and he really was looking awful so I agreed. After he made me breakfast I was basically alone with Dylan. I did laundry, clean the kitchen, spoke with mom through Skype, folded clothes, clean a bit and play with Dylan. I was exhausted. Dylan was battling my breast too. I felt really sad. I have never had problem breastfeeding him and I think the use of bottles during the day since he goes to daycare is making a toll on our breastfeeding sessions. He was getting exasperated that my flow was too slow. I could not do anything. He wasn't staying enough time so I could have a let down...I had this horrible sensation that feeding him on a one-on-one may come to an end. I did have seen my supply reduce since I start working and my mind start sinking with all kind of thoughts and google searches. I always felt lucky that I never had an issue breastfeeding him and now this? I even ordered a box of Mother's Milk to make me feel better. The day was getting with an "agg". I made the donation to one of the causes they put in the memorial email that they sent. I cried a bit...I was trying to prepare myself for the services, I said to myself I would not cry. That they needed to see people smiling at them...that was my idea in my head, silly I know.

I hate to leave things at the last minute...but with Dylan I have learn that I can't control my schedule as I wish. I have to let it go...many times, over and over again. I feel comfortable with that reality. I knew I wasn't going to finish drying our clothes...so be it. I took whatever medication I knew it was safe to take.  I started to think if it was right to go with Dylan to the services. I didn't want to show with a baby...Kim just loss one. Would I cause more pain because I show up with a baby?

My doubts were answered when we got there. Everybody dressed in baby blue and casual clothes as it was asked in the invitation. There were other couples with babies as well. Keith was a college friend of Brad, and guitar buddies. He is a friend that support us in our relationship when things were not great. He was there for Brad. It was our time, to be there for him and his family. The service was in a modern church. Family and friends, we were all together to say one last time good bye.

 Of course I cried. I cried because it is just not fair. There are no words to say that WTF. It is hard for me to believe that things happens for a reason, even I say that phrase many times. How you say a death happens for a reason?. Don't be idiotic. Shit happens, yes like a car crash or you lost your sunglasses...but a baby? That is too cruel. That is just not right. I was sitting there with a healthy baby...that supposedly should not be healthy because everybody think that after 35 you can create a mule instead of a human being. And they were there, younger than me and that is happening. I felt weird. I felt sad and of course I was feeling sick so nothing of that was helping me to stop crying. I hold Brad's hand because I could focus in something while Kim and Keith at different times were speaking how they felt about their son. That part was heart breaking. I can't imagine the pain but they were brave and went through it. I don't think that there was no soul in that auditorium that was not crying. Nobody should have to go through that, but they had to. They were given no choice. Why? It amazed me how so many people with faith hold into it to go through it. I guess the reasoning is that it helps. And I was there, yelling at myself..."but there is no god people". I have battle religion since I guess 20 years old. Don't get me wrong...I was raised as Catholic and even I made the confirmation. I still battle, are we THAT alone? for believers of course I know the answer...for the ones like me, I don't know.

 I know all the fears I had when we found out we were pregnant. When in Babycenter people were saying good bye's every day because they lost their baby...oh my God I used to say, please not me...not me. Those were the few times I did silly prayers to something, somebody just to feel I was safe of such horrific outcome. Funny thing, I never was a baby lover. I mean...I never spoke about having kids. I think I am highly impatient person. I have always believe is a choice, and I still do. But I never knew what it was, until I have one now. It is one of those things that people insist to tell you "is great, is hardwork, is terrifying but worth it" but you must live it on your own, at your own time.

It is terrifying what you have to go through before somebody tell you if something is "okay" or "oh oh we need to make more testing". Then after that you always are in fear to each ultrasound. We had over 7 ultrasounds because I was over 35. And in each one, Brad and I were clueless about what we were looking at the screen. In all honesty, they could have been showing us the ultrasound of a bird and we still would believe it was our baby. I just recognized the head, a leg, hand there...that was it. I used to see a lot of dark spots...and I kept telling myself...is that normal? That does not look good, isn't? The doctor always checked the heart and the head...and sometimes he would check longer than usual and my hearbeat would go up to the roof...oh my God they found something! I knew it...now what? No, nothing...all normal. And every visit to the perinatal consultants was like that. A rollercoaster of emotions that by January I really wanted that our baby came out early. I was done of this thing. If something was wrong was better to do an operation earlier than later. Outside the womb. I prefer the reality now than later. But nothing of that came. All my fears went away after Dylan was born three months later. Now of course I have other fears...I woke up and check that his breathing...I am panicking that he will be a victim of SIDS. Chill out I kept telling me.

But after knew about Everett, those are the times I have hard time and reassure me that we are just alone in here. That there is no "up there". I told Keith that when choices are not given we just have to do the best we can with the time given to us. And that part I quoted from the Lord of the Rings. Frodo told Gandalf that he would wish that the ring never came to him...that it never existed...and Gandalf told Frodo that " All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us."   Keith and Kim decided that they were going to love Everett and have their time as a family. Some people would say...at least they have two other kids, well yes but it does not matter. You can only have one of them once. That's it. Genetics are there...but they mix in different way everytime. You will never repeat an Everett...He was unique, with all of his issues, he was unique.

I cried the first time I was starting reading Keith notes in Facebook...I have to say, I guess part of his acceptance process was to be as open he could be with his friends and family. He kept us posted of all the outcomes, good or bad about Everett. The story of Everett has impacted so many. Kim has a blog that I have read through Brad's FB page. She writes beautifully and with a pretty down earth brainwork. As a mother she is right on the spot...who would not be angry. Who would not scream as such reality checking? As she said today..."I don't want to be any inspirational woman". She is damn right, she just want her son.

Of course you will get all kind of comfort words...that some are just plain ridiculous, but with good intentions. I guess I still have not found any type of comfort words that I can say. Words that can at least ease or minimize the pain of my friends. Those are the times that you wish you will be like House and be so smart to find the reason of a disease and be a super intelligent doctor and found a cure to it. What cool that could be? How many people who is suffering something so cruel like this would feel better. But nobody can't right now. There is cancer and nobody still have found the cure to it.

Today I have watched Dylan's crib more than usual. He is growing so fast. I filled him with kisses, play with him tonight and just finished feeding him...and I just can't imagine my life without him. I felt sad because I have no answers, my logic can't process all this. I realized that we have such little time for everything. So in a couple of hours when Dylan wakes up again, I will hug him and keep telling him how much I love him. And when Brad wakes up I will tell him the same thing. This remind me a scene, and I always cry in this scene, of one of my favorites movies called Playing by Heart. There is a scene where Ellen Burstyn as the mother is hugging her son that is dying from AIDS...and she is citing this excerpt from a children's book "Goodnight Moon".

Good night cumb
Good night brush
Good night nobody
Good night mush
Good night to the old lady
whispering hush
Good night stars
Good night air
Good night noises
everywhere

Motherhood version 12.1

Explicit words...be aware.

WHAT THE FUCK! second day in the working and I forgot my breast pump, hell arise! Thanksfully my hero Brad decide to eliminate his lunch and go back to the apartment to get my pump. Even those horrible hours were tough, I had to concentrate doing things that I have not done in a long long time. I even can't remember where my folder is at!!! Three months and I became an idiot...really? Where is my query? How am I suppose to do this? Did I this before? Are you sure? I feel dumb and more dumb with at the hours go by.

Back on the pumping...yes, I am proud to say I breastfeed and I will leave it like that. No commercial punded here is just the way it is. And if you are not a fan of breastfeeding or think is wrong, move on and don't post anything or I am going to "hunt you down!". People in this country are INSANE about this stupid war about formula vs breastfeeding moms. I mean...is like a catfight. I really give a F if you want to give tofu milk to your child but leave me alone. I have to say is easy for me to bring my boobs with me wherever we go than to think how many freakin' hours the milk was out and if it should be okay to give it or not.  See, feeding is a WHOLE new chapter to learn in parenthood and I didn't know that. Fucking unreal. So many charts and hours to count...geez, I can't imagine if you didn't like mathematics. Anyway even if you decide not do any of the above...your body, well doesn't know that yet so it will continue produce milk until it figures it out that there is no need for it. But in the meantime...If many of you haven't had the luck to know what it feels to not pump when your body think a baby needs to feed from you, I can give you these few words. Imagine...just imagine that you want to come but it hurts and you just can't. Get the picture? And the pressure will continue growing, that's ...that is the worse part. Anyway, good luck for me I got my pump before it got worse. Of course, Sam (my GM), as curious as a cat asked me what was going on...when I explained him the situation in secondary words...his face was priceless.

I still can't and I guess I will never undersand what is the fixation of this country in reality TV. Please people get a life! I really didn't put the TV on until 3pm when the Law & Order marathon was on in TNT, then at 6pm I would change it to USA to watch NCIS. But in the mornings...oh gosh...from Teen Mom, Basketball Wives...what a pair of bitches and low class citizens! all that drama and just disgusting shows that in all honesty people should be ashame of that. Is like...really America? is that the best you can do? horrible. I can't explain the dismay of that. I have to say that the only show I did like it a lot in the mornings was in Food Network: Jamie's Oliver 30 minutes meals and the green curry I did was phenomenal so thanks Jamie...by the way he is a hot British guy (but married with three kids..). We found a new TV show that we do like Top Gear (is about cars) but the BBC version is hilarious! and of course I can watch over and over PBS Masterpiece and I will be waiting for the season 3 of Sherlock Holmes.

We planned accordingly Dylan's daycare days, so he started a week ago and he has been doing good and me too. I did cry the first day I left him...and the second day. But it has been good and a good decision for all of us. He is really happy, he normally is a happy baby. I wait for him every evening like a new Christmas present that is put below the Christmas tree. I miss him during the day but the waiting time to see him, is just really good for me. I feel I am concentrating good at work but I don't feel entirely happy with some changes. Nothing wrong with changes is just that I know when the judges on the last surfing competition didn't notice I was riding some waves.

I have learned with time in corporations that if a wave start to be too big to ride and you want to shine, don't become a crazy Hawaiian, go and find a better beach with better waves. I think that says it all.

I am dividing everyday my brain in so many ways that until today, Thursday, I was able to NOT forget a single thing. I still have issues finding my keys in my purse. I know they are there, I just can't find them. I do recheck I have my wallet and my cellphone...VERY important things in my life. I have a new badge to NOT forget to enter to the daycare because is in the FAA building. So, another thing that I can't forget. I even have started to tell myself I should give a kiss to Brad because I even tend to forget that and that is something I don't want to.

Yes, having a kid OBVIOUSLY change your life but is actually fun. I am happy, I have to say you never going to be "ready" to be a parent. I still feel weird when people asked me "so how motherhood feels?". Well I don't know really. Me? a mother? still Mother's Day was kind of in a blur. I did got presents, I got cards and love and a son to celebrate.

Having a kid is not the end of the world. People should stop the fucking drama, it's annoying! seriously! Sorry I won't agree that you won't be able to do XYZ. I don't and I will continue debating on that. See, a kid is part of you, you bring it here...how possible suddenly you are not you? The other night my friend MZ told me about this gig Above & Beyond in Opera. I have long long time to not be in a gig since over a year ago 1) I was studying for my MBA hence I didn't have time to go out and 2) Then I was pregnant and I was avoiding smoky places...so I really wanted to go but a guilt mentality hit me. How I would go out and let Dylan at home? Do mothers are allowed to do that? Brad was the first one to tell me, go! I have to say I was more worry to let Brad alone with Dylan than other thing. I love Brad but he just sometimes get distracted and I know he will kill anybody for Dylan...but I was worry that he would not wake up if Dylan needed food. Well it turns out, Brad never went to bed (and he was eagerly proud to be awake when I got there and gave me all the details of his night alone with his son) even it was past 1 am and Dylan slept that day until 4 am and then woke up at 8am, fall asleep again and woke until 10am...and Brad was able to go to play golf with some friends. Everything work just fine! I was happy, Brad was happy and Dylan was great that day too. So again, yes it changes you. Instead to stay until 3 am and go to eat somewhere after the gig, I left after one of my favorites tracks and left before it was over. Instead of a red bull vodka, I had a beer cortesy of MZ. So yes it's different, but as MZ  told/asked me "...but, weird, you are happy huh?". Yes, I am.

I still in desbelief we created such beautiful thing. I mean...I always said that mix kids can come and go as very pretty or very weird...we got lucky and we got a freakin' handsome one. No guarantees how will stay in the toddler and child ages...we will need to stand by and see.

My mother stayed with us almost three months since Dylan was born. My dad came to visit as well. I don't have enough words to thank my mother for the help she gave us. After she left, I have to say, I was about to pull my hairs out of my scalp. But suddenly I calm down and everything went back to calm...I still don't get why carrying a child is not considered exercise. Do you know how is to carry for 30 minutes 14 lbs of body weight back and forth while doing laundry?????

My first week at work is almost over. I have a total new respect for the ones who stay at home and for the ones who go back to work. Is a hard circus act that not even the Wallendas would be able to practice more than once. It just happens, as it comes...you have a child by choice, it changes your life and brings something I can't explain...if you ask me, I will confuse you with my answer. I am the same Maritza, the same Taylor...I just know now what my mother, grandmother repeated me to death long ago..."wait and see, you just wait and see". I can see mom, I can see.

 PD. My OB insisted that after a couple of weeks women forget all the pain of labor. I will disagree. I haven't forget it. I am not traumatized either, but how possible you can forget that? are you out of your mind? So, no. I haven't forget.