Yesterday was the memorial services for Everett. The son of a friend of ours that came with a serial of deffects that nobody could find a solution for, he passed away few hours after he was born. For the few of my friends that I told I was going to this memorial services their faces was of pain. How such a tiny creature could go away? How possible such thing happened to somebody?
I don't think that anybody will ever be prepare to let a loved one go...less a person you created. Talking with Brad yesterday after the services, I thought in all those soldiers that have died...son or daughter of somebody. I heard one time in a movie that "no parent should buried their children". And is true. The pain, I assumed, is unbearable.
Although Everett beat the odds, staying alive longer than the doctors predicted, the outcome was not unchanged.
Yesterday was in general a very stressful day. I woke up feeling crappy...the part I did not know Brad was feeling worse than me. We both are sick. Dylan has been sneezing all week and with a cough. It looks he is better than us in that matter, but I was getting worse and worse...and I already had antibiotics two months ago, same time that Dylan got sick too. My plan was that Brad would take care of Dylan for the day before going to the memorial services around 2pm while I was able to take a nap. The services were in Canton, which was an hour away from where we at. Sure I was for a different day. Brad asked me that he needed to rest and he really was looking awful so I agreed. After he made me breakfast I was basically alone with Dylan. I did laundry, clean the kitchen, spoke with mom through Skype, folded clothes, clean a bit and play with Dylan. I was exhausted. Dylan was battling my breast too. I felt really sad. I have never had problem breastfeeding him and I think the use of bottles during the day since he goes to daycare is making a toll on our breastfeeding sessions. He was getting exasperated that my flow was too slow. I could not do anything. He wasn't staying enough time so I could have a let down...I had this horrible sensation that feeding him on a one-on-one may come to an end. I did have seen my supply reduce since I start working and my mind start sinking with all kind of thoughts and google searches. I always felt lucky that I never had an issue breastfeeding him and now this? I even ordered a box of Mother's Milk to make me feel better. The day was getting with an "agg". I made the donation to one of the causes they put in the memorial email that they sent. I cried a bit...I was trying to prepare myself for the services, I said to myself I would not cry. That they needed to see people smiling at them...that was my idea in my head, silly I know.
I hate to leave things at the last minute...but with Dylan I have learn that I can't control my schedule as I wish. I have to let it go...many times, over and over again. I feel comfortable with that reality. I knew I wasn't going to finish drying our clothes...so be it. I took whatever medication I knew it was safe to take. I started to think if it was right to go with Dylan to the services. I didn't want to show with a baby...Kim just loss one. Would I cause more pain because I show up with a baby?
My doubts were answered when we got there. Everybody dressed in baby blue and casual clothes as it was asked in the invitation. There were other couples with babies as well. Keith was a college friend of Brad, and guitar buddies. He is a friend that support us in our relationship when things were not great. He was there for Brad. It was our time, to be there for him and his family. The service was in a modern church. Family and friends, we were all together to say one last time good bye.
Of course I cried. I cried because it is just not fair. There are no words to say that WTF. It is hard for me to believe that things happens for a reason, even I say that phrase many times. How you say a death happens for a reason?. Don't be idiotic. Shit happens, yes like a car crash or you lost your sunglasses...but a baby? That is too cruel. That is just not right. I was sitting there with a healthy baby...that supposedly should not be healthy because everybody think that after 35 you can create a mule instead of a human being. And they were there, younger than me and that is happening. I felt weird. I felt sad and of course I was feeling sick so nothing of that was helping me to stop crying. I hold Brad's hand because I could focus in something while Kim and Keith at different times were speaking how they felt about their son. That part was heart breaking. I can't imagine the pain but they were brave and went through it. I don't think that there was no soul in that auditorium that was not crying. Nobody should have to go through that, but they had to. They were given no choice. Why? It amazed me how so many people with faith hold into it to go through it. I guess the reasoning is that it helps. And I was there, yelling at myself..."but there is no god people". I have battle religion since I guess 20 years old. Don't get me wrong...I was raised as Catholic and even I made the confirmation. I still battle, are we THAT alone? for believers of course I know the answer...for the ones like me, I don't know.
I know all the fears I had when we found out we were pregnant. When in Babycenter people were saying good bye's every day because they lost their baby...oh my God I used to say, please not me...not me. Those were the few times I did silly prayers to something, somebody just to feel I was safe of such horrific outcome. Funny thing, I never was a baby lover. I mean...I never spoke about having kids. I think I am highly impatient person. I have always believe is a choice, and I still do. But I never knew what it was, until I have one now. It is one of those things that people insist to tell you "is great, is hardwork, is terrifying but worth it" but you must live it on your own, at your own time.
It is terrifying what you have to go through before somebody tell you if something is "okay" or "oh oh we need to make more testing". Then after that you always are in fear to each ultrasound. We had over 7 ultrasounds because I was over 35. And in each one, Brad and I were clueless about what we were looking at the screen. In all honesty, they could have been showing us the ultrasound of a bird and we still would believe it was our baby. I just recognized the head, a leg, hand there...that was it. I used to see a lot of dark spots...and I kept telling myself...is that normal? That does not look good, isn't? The doctor always checked the heart and the head...and sometimes he would check longer than usual and my hearbeat would go up to the roof...oh my God they found something! I knew it...now what? No, nothing...all normal. And every visit to the perinatal consultants was like that. A rollercoaster of emotions that by January I really wanted that our baby came out early. I was done of this thing. If something was wrong was better to do an operation earlier than later. Outside the womb. I prefer the reality now than later. But nothing of that came. All my fears went away after Dylan was born three months later. Now of course I have other fears...I woke up and check that his breathing...I am panicking that he will be a victim of SIDS. Chill out I kept telling me.
But after knew about Everett, those are the times I have hard time and reassure me that we are just alone in here. That there is no "up there". I told Keith that when choices are not given we just have to do the best we can with the time given to us. And that part I quoted from the Lord of the Rings. Frodo told Gandalf that he would wish that the ring never came to him...that it never existed...and Gandalf told Frodo that " All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us." Keith and Kim decided that they were going to love Everett and have their time as a family. Some people would say...at least they have two other kids, well yes but it does not matter. You can only have one of them once. That's it. Genetics are there...but they mix in different way everytime. You will never repeat an Everett...He was unique, with all of his issues, he was unique.
I cried the first time I was starting reading Keith notes in Facebook...I have to say, I guess part of his acceptance process was to be as open he could be with his friends and family. He kept us posted of all the outcomes, good or bad about Everett. The story of Everett has impacted so many. Kim has a blog that I have read through Brad's FB page. She writes beautifully and with a pretty down earth brainwork. As a mother she is right on the spot...who would not be angry. Who would not scream as such reality checking? As she said today..."I don't want to be any inspirational woman". She is damn right, she just want her son.
Of course you will get all kind of comfort words...that some are just plain ridiculous, but with good intentions. I guess I still have not found any type of comfort words that I can say. Words that can at least ease or minimize the pain of my friends. Those are the times that you wish you will be like House and be so smart to find the reason of a disease and be a super intelligent doctor and found a cure to it. What cool that could be? How many people who is suffering something so cruel like this would feel better. But nobody can't right now. There is cancer and nobody still have found the cure to it.
Today I have watched Dylan's crib more than usual. He is growing so fast. I filled him with kisses, play with him tonight and just finished feeding him...and I just can't imagine my life without him. I felt sad because I have no answers, my logic can't process all this. I realized that we have such little time for everything. So in a couple of hours when Dylan wakes up again, I will hug him and keep telling him how much I love him. And when Brad wakes up I will tell him the same thing. This remind me a scene, and I always cry in this scene, of one of my favorites movies called Playing by Heart. There is a scene where Ellen Burstyn as the mother is hugging her son that is dying from AIDS...and she is citing this excerpt from a children's book "Goodnight Moon".
Good night cumb
Good night brush
Good night nobody
Good night mush
Good night to the old lady
whispering hush
Good night stars
Good night air
Good night noises
everywhere
I don't think that anybody will ever be prepare to let a loved one go...less a person you created. Talking with Brad yesterday after the services, I thought in all those soldiers that have died...son or daughter of somebody. I heard one time in a movie that "no parent should buried their children". And is true. The pain, I assumed, is unbearable.
Although Everett beat the odds, staying alive longer than the doctors predicted, the outcome was not unchanged.
Yesterday was in general a very stressful day. I woke up feeling crappy...the part I did not know Brad was feeling worse than me. We both are sick. Dylan has been sneezing all week and with a cough. It looks he is better than us in that matter, but I was getting worse and worse...and I already had antibiotics two months ago, same time that Dylan got sick too. My plan was that Brad would take care of Dylan for the day before going to the memorial services around 2pm while I was able to take a nap. The services were in Canton, which was an hour away from where we at. Sure I was for a different day. Brad asked me that he needed to rest and he really was looking awful so I agreed. After he made me breakfast I was basically alone with Dylan. I did laundry, clean the kitchen, spoke with mom through Skype, folded clothes, clean a bit and play with Dylan. I was exhausted. Dylan was battling my breast too. I felt really sad. I have never had problem breastfeeding him and I think the use of bottles during the day since he goes to daycare is making a toll on our breastfeeding sessions. He was getting exasperated that my flow was too slow. I could not do anything. He wasn't staying enough time so I could have a let down...I had this horrible sensation that feeding him on a one-on-one may come to an end. I did have seen my supply reduce since I start working and my mind start sinking with all kind of thoughts and google searches. I always felt lucky that I never had an issue breastfeeding him and now this? I even ordered a box of Mother's Milk to make me feel better. The day was getting with an "agg". I made the donation to one of the causes they put in the memorial email that they sent. I cried a bit...I was trying to prepare myself for the services, I said to myself I would not cry. That they needed to see people smiling at them...that was my idea in my head, silly I know.
I hate to leave things at the last minute...but with Dylan I have learn that I can't control my schedule as I wish. I have to let it go...many times, over and over again. I feel comfortable with that reality. I knew I wasn't going to finish drying our clothes...so be it. I took whatever medication I knew it was safe to take. I started to think if it was right to go with Dylan to the services. I didn't want to show with a baby...Kim just loss one. Would I cause more pain because I show up with a baby?
My doubts were answered when we got there. Everybody dressed in baby blue and casual clothes as it was asked in the invitation. There were other couples with babies as well. Keith was a college friend of Brad, and guitar buddies. He is a friend that support us in our relationship when things were not great. He was there for Brad. It was our time, to be there for him and his family. The service was in a modern church. Family and friends, we were all together to say one last time good bye.
Of course I cried. I cried because it is just not fair. There are no words to say that WTF. It is hard for me to believe that things happens for a reason, even I say that phrase many times. How you say a death happens for a reason?. Don't be idiotic. Shit happens, yes like a car crash or you lost your sunglasses...but a baby? That is too cruel. That is just not right. I was sitting there with a healthy baby...that supposedly should not be healthy because everybody think that after 35 you can create a mule instead of a human being. And they were there, younger than me and that is happening. I felt weird. I felt sad and of course I was feeling sick so nothing of that was helping me to stop crying. I hold Brad's hand because I could focus in something while Kim and Keith at different times were speaking how they felt about their son. That part was heart breaking. I can't imagine the pain but they were brave and went through it. I don't think that there was no soul in that auditorium that was not crying. Nobody should have to go through that, but they had to. They were given no choice. Why? It amazed me how so many people with faith hold into it to go through it. I guess the reasoning is that it helps. And I was there, yelling at myself..."but there is no god people". I have battle religion since I guess 20 years old. Don't get me wrong...I was raised as Catholic and even I made the confirmation. I still battle, are we THAT alone? for believers of course I know the answer...for the ones like me, I don't know.
I know all the fears I had when we found out we were pregnant. When in Babycenter people were saying good bye's every day because they lost their baby...oh my God I used to say, please not me...not me. Those were the few times I did silly prayers to something, somebody just to feel I was safe of such horrific outcome. Funny thing, I never was a baby lover. I mean...I never spoke about having kids. I think I am highly impatient person. I have always believe is a choice, and I still do. But I never knew what it was, until I have one now. It is one of those things that people insist to tell you "is great, is hardwork, is terrifying but worth it" but you must live it on your own, at your own time.
It is terrifying what you have to go through before somebody tell you if something is "okay" or "oh oh we need to make more testing". Then after that you always are in fear to each ultrasound. We had over 7 ultrasounds because I was over 35. And in each one, Brad and I were clueless about what we were looking at the screen. In all honesty, they could have been showing us the ultrasound of a bird and we still would believe it was our baby. I just recognized the head, a leg, hand there...that was it. I used to see a lot of dark spots...and I kept telling myself...is that normal? That does not look good, isn't? The doctor always checked the heart and the head...and sometimes he would check longer than usual and my hearbeat would go up to the roof...oh my God they found something! I knew it...now what? No, nothing...all normal. And every visit to the perinatal consultants was like that. A rollercoaster of emotions that by January I really wanted that our baby came out early. I was done of this thing. If something was wrong was better to do an operation earlier than later. Outside the womb. I prefer the reality now than later. But nothing of that came. All my fears went away after Dylan was born three months later. Now of course I have other fears...I woke up and check that his breathing...I am panicking that he will be a victim of SIDS. Chill out I kept telling me.
But after knew about Everett, those are the times I have hard time and reassure me that we are just alone in here. That there is no "up there". I told Keith that when choices are not given we just have to do the best we can with the time given to us. And that part I quoted from the Lord of the Rings. Frodo told Gandalf that he would wish that the ring never came to him...that it never existed...and Gandalf told Frodo that " All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us." Keith and Kim decided that they were going to love Everett and have their time as a family. Some people would say...at least they have two other kids, well yes but it does not matter. You can only have one of them once. That's it. Genetics are there...but they mix in different way everytime. You will never repeat an Everett...He was unique, with all of his issues, he was unique.
I cried the first time I was starting reading Keith notes in Facebook...I have to say, I guess part of his acceptance process was to be as open he could be with his friends and family. He kept us posted of all the outcomes, good or bad about Everett. The story of Everett has impacted so many. Kim has a blog that I have read through Brad's FB page. She writes beautifully and with a pretty down earth brainwork. As a mother she is right on the spot...who would not be angry. Who would not scream as such reality checking? As she said today..."I don't want to be any inspirational woman". She is damn right, she just want her son.
Of course you will get all kind of comfort words...that some are just plain ridiculous, but with good intentions. I guess I still have not found any type of comfort words that I can say. Words that can at least ease or minimize the pain of my friends. Those are the times that you wish you will be like House and be so smart to find the reason of a disease and be a super intelligent doctor and found a cure to it. What cool that could be? How many people who is suffering something so cruel like this would feel better. But nobody can't right now. There is cancer and nobody still have found the cure to it.
Today I have watched Dylan's crib more than usual. He is growing so fast. I filled him with kisses, play with him tonight and just finished feeding him...and I just can't imagine my life without him. I felt sad because I have no answers, my logic can't process all this. I realized that we have such little time for everything. So in a couple of hours when Dylan wakes up again, I will hug him and keep telling him how much I love him. And when Brad wakes up I will tell him the same thing. This remind me a scene, and I always cry in this scene, of one of my favorites movies called Playing by Heart. There is a scene where Ellen Burstyn as the mother is hugging her son that is dying from AIDS...and she is citing this excerpt from a children's book "Goodnight Moon".
Good night cumb
Good night brush
Good night nobody
Good night mush
Good night to the old lady
whispering hush
Good night stars
Good night air
Good night noises
everywhere
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