The best weapon of all: choices

With so many conversations through my pond of friends and acquantainces I came to the conclusion that a woman's life, in this century, period of time or call it whatever, is about choices. I have to say that for me, I considered, that is the best weapon of great achievement a woman can have.

Many, unfortunately, haven't realize the power of choices they actually have in their hands. Again, the choice to not use it is in itself powerful. And let me explain you in the detail what I meant with "the power of choices".

In the old times, a woman really did not have many choices. It was not allowed to work, or gain a wage, it was not allow to make a household decision or even a decision about how she should be dressed. What to study, actually, no study at all. Education, work, revenue gain and politics was reserved and command by men. A woman could not vote. I have nothing against men due to all these, but I think women have advance quite a journey...and still seems many of us fight against each other to understand that is not about you but about to increase the power of choices for all. For the ones who decide to take that choice and for the ones who decide not to take it.

It was not an easy battle and I am not going to get into historical debate here about who was the one we should we thank or feel proud. The general attitude is to remember that we would not have the broad choices we have at hand today if it was not for others who considered that regardless of your choice, a CHOICE should be given to you, period. And only you to decide. I think that is empowering and we should continue fighting, battle and be advocate to expand those choices.

Having a child these days...it came to my mind that another set of choices have to be made. Those choices in which I feel alarm at the quantity of women who bickered and attacked others just because they do not choose choices or path of living that they considered "most important and best for children". I wonder why? Why is so hard to understand that there is no right or wrong...just a choice, and I can promised you nobody have died for several type of choices -especially the ones I am going to tell you in here-.

I am sure that there are still women against women who work or decide not to marry, and all that yada yada comes mostly by other women rather than men. I haven't met a man until this day that has tell me "I think woman should not work" or "I think woman are for kids in the home". Perhaps, I do not live or have any known man near me that would be with that thinking.  I am sure those men, will find the perfect bride for them. It would not be me for sure because...they are not going to be my choice. But again, I have even a choice of who I want to be marry, befriend, etc.

It amazes me that regardless of whatever we read, fact or assumption, breastfeeding is still quite a debate. I, personally, will breastfeed. I love my breasts and I not only see them as part of my beautiful body but I know that Brad get delighted by them as well...but I know that organically and phisiologically they are there because we are mammals. Men have them too, but due to hormones they are not meant to growth with the capacity of producing milk as the female does. And this part is all about science that you can research on your own. But overall, I do not critize or judge if you decide to not breastfeed. I think is great that formula was created. Many jobs and a stream of businesses have been made thanks to the creation of formula and more choices have been given to women AND men. I am pro capital markets and I love business. That's why I think that choices are a great sources of revenue, gain and overall economy boost that all countries need. I see things beyond the social aspect or the "I prefer" attitude.

Other great debate is "to be a SAHM (stay at home mom)" or " working mother". Again, the same debate starts. I was borned in a household in which both of my parents work. I had a person who take care of me when I was little. Still it was a stranger. I have to say that in my experience since is the ONLY one I have is that I have nothing against my mother. I love her and I think that decision make us today better. And that work for us. I think the best decision she made was to go to work. My parents, each of them, were the first ones in their generation, in their families to graduated from an university. That is an accomplishment that many families STILL have to go through in this decade. Education, is not a guarantee is a sacrifice. It is expensive even in Panama for many, and time, focus and dedication are a must. Not many people have them. My parents did. Without that I would not be in what I am today...and how I can ask to change that? I do have some of their straits on it. I decided that I will work...but there are many factors that come to play into it. I love my work first of all. I have accomplished a lot since I came to this country and I have to say, I do love money. I like to see my personal checking account with several zeros on it.

 Education was something my parents put in me like a washer machine puts soap in your clothes. Did they brainwash me? probably so, but then I make my life around people who have been brainwash in the same form as me. Be aware, I have nothing against to the ones who decide to be at home.  Again, is your choice and is a good one for you. And that's the beauty of all. You can have a different choice than my choice and still be friends. I do not think anybody should explain the WHY they choose a different choice. Is not my choice. Is not my life.

The other day I was telling my mother and Brad in different ocassions that each person decides with who they want to be. And is true. Because your choice is tied with the choice that other made and agrees with you. Would be stupid to make a choice and change other's person choice just because it "must" be with you. That would not work.

Of course social pressure is still a nuissance that many of us have to go through, but there is the choice to ignore and IS a powerful one. I love that one. I choose to ignore a lot of things because I choose to. I decide to choose not to watch news only specific ones when I feel the need to get back to the newsworld. I choose to read The Economist online, and I choose to check time to time news about Panama but not all the time. I do not live there and that is my choice. I have chosen many things that people may feel offended, in schock or whatever...do I care? not really. Because those are my choices and this is my life, not theirs. I think the CHOICE to be yourself is one of the greatest one...and I am very happy that I have been able to be truth to myself and keep that choice regardless of the pros and cons I have found in the road.

Why I choose to have a child? I am not sure yet, I do not see it as "because is normal duh" I think there is a more deep thought about it...and I really can't explain it and you know what? I won't explain it either...that was a combine choice, there were a lot playing around about it. I know I had a conversation with a friend about it and I was debating about it or get an MBA, and even the conversation was more into having children I actually decided to go for an MBA because that was something I wanted for sure. Interesting isn't it? 

The last of my powerful choices is marriage. The new question is not when I am going to pop but if we are getting marry...I wonder why? what having a child has to do with getting marry? I mean when I was a child I knew my parents were "married" I guess, but did I really know that? I lived with my parents, both of them. But to know about such social standards did I really know about it? My grandparents NEVER got married and they had 5 children. My grandparents for the side of my dad I never knew the entire story about it. I had many friends who had one mother I don't think I care about their parents though...in my family there are a little bit of everything that I think that's why I have never paid attention to that matter. Did I know my parents were marry in a church or court? how possible I knew that? is there a difference for me? I don't recall any conversation about "marriage" when I was a kid only something about "my mom or dad" oh perhaps Barbie will marry Ken? Actually, when I was a child the law was that a woman took the men's last name after marriage. My mother, being a proactive feminist, always have put her maiden name in front of her married name. Today even in the most modern of societies a woman have the CHOICE to not even include her husband's last name. I think is fucking great...if you have EVER have to change your credit cards, driver's license and all that crap...you WILL put the person who put that law in place in a pedestal. Which is funny because why can the husband take the last name of the woman? But nobody think of those silly arguments.  Anyway, so back to the choice of getting marry. So how possible that has to do with having a child? If I were about to marry, I would not change my last name. First of all I like Taylor and thanksfully works wonderful in an English speaking country like here, and second I have a LOT of shit under my name that I will have to change and I don't choose to do it. I changed it once and I won't change it ever again. Pain in the ass. No need, I choose to use the choice given. So at the end...I never understand those type of questions...I get like a "waaaa" in my head because it just do not make sense to me. It's like a person who starts to work and somebody asked them if they are going to buy a car. What work and having car has to do with each other? Nothing.

So after all this...you DO have choices in life, and you should be thanksful about all the choices you can make, the ones you don't have to make and the ones you decide not to make because you do not want to. And I didn't touch the choice of religion because I choose not to talk about it not because arguments but because I do not believe -and that's different than choice- in anybody with higher power over me or any human that can change our choices.

False Alarm

Yesterday I woke up at 1.30 in the morning with a horrible pain...I mean woke up, so this is it? Then cramping continue and some strong contractions came in too but in all around it was just like a bad cramping night. That went until early hours of the morning...ready to go work, nope.

I pushed Brad to left and I would keep him posted. Is that time of the day that I must of the time I really do not know what to do. He asked me...and I really do not have an answer. We are just clueless and I guess somebody has to make a decision. In any case, whatever it happens I know I would have time to do something.

My mother and I ended up going to my clinic and they hooked up on monitors - baby's heart beat and contractions for 20minutes in a nice lazy boy. I have to say, we DO need a nice chair...at least for breastfeeding purposes because that old couch won't make it.

Anyway everything is fine, a doctor's checked on me confirmed "you are not dilated even 1 cm"...the expectations of my mother were clear, no grandson (she insist is a boy) today. Well, no need to get any bag that has been ready for a week now.

I am getting kind of frustrated...we thought we were late we actually got almost everything set up a week ago and it has been there ahead of time. Oh well, better prepare than not.

I am amaze how quickly we set up the apartment knowing how tired and exhausted I was, not only that working full time still. And driving still although I am leaving now to Brad to drive most of the time..."just in case". I wonder what people do when they set up a nursery months in advane? that's crazy. I am glad we are not like that...that will drive me insane. We are for a good start...although Lil Monster considered that even yesterday it did 75F it was not good enough for him/her to come out.

We are still waiting...

Best quote ever

I think this line will say everything what happened today until noon:

“Meetings are an addictive, highly self-indulgent activity that corporations and other large organizations habitually engage in only because they cannot masturbate”

 Dave Barry

I woke up at several times in the early morning...since 3.46am which I remembered very well because I grab my phone and said "3.46". My watch died couple of days ago and I haven't had the time nor the energy to go to the Time whatever place is called to get the battery replace. I still put it on though because I need that weight in my wristband...anyway...I had three contractions between 4-5am and I think I fall asleep again after that. Waking up again by the sound of my alarm at 6.28am which I snooze until 7.10am. And that's when I started to get mad. Brad got up and started complaining that he didn't want to be "again late at 9am in the morning". In all honesty I know I have been late at work with or without doctor's appointment and the rest of my aches...but to be honest...I am trying my best. I know I can call the cards and say fuck it, I am going out on maternity leave using what I have right now because I am fucking exhausted. But I don't...I am trying to make it there. I am trying to make the point that pregnant or not I CAN be productive and I want to be. I want to be treated fairly and that I am not complaining all the time or even I look miserable I should be given the same projects than others are getting...because, after all, I didn't study all this time...to be the pregnant woman.

We had a mild discussion which ended him apologizing and going to get the Friday treats that I owe to my team today. First obstacle conquered, move on. Then I get to work and is really cold outside...I mean is COLD outside. I just feel too cold with a sweater and a jacket on today still I feel cold, and I hate the feeling of feeling too cold. The cold didn't help my mood.

We had staff meeting today too...which I don't look forward to it much in all honesty. Unless we are agreeing or deciding something, I still don't get the entire thing to listen to one voice, one tone for 85% of the time. To be honest I don't care about the Grammys. I think this country have nothing else to do than to follow people who doesn't care about you and only in their own fame and drug addiction...why do I care? I don't. But I even have to listen about that...really? not even in a joke I care. Notice that I am cranky? Yes I was. The crankiness didn't get better when I heard a name about "congratulations in your extraordinary job". Oh waow...that's the coolest thing I have ever heard! I guess I should do all my appointments and personal stuff using my work phone. Seriously, I guess I got this time the message. The more personal stuff you do at work, the better. I shouldn't get mad about this kind of things. I have been too long in here to experience what is unfairness and stupidity...too many times but it keeps bugs me. I guess I am not for political skin type. I can't stand bullshit. And I am not quite into call it out by name.

The reality of my life, I know, is that sooner or later I have to decide to do something on my own so I can be at peace with myself and spend less or zero time getting angry about stupid burocratic bullshit I can't stand.

Notes

Today for the very first time somebody made a comment about one of those things that "you should not" drink or do during pregnancy. In all honesty I am cool with those comments most of the time...since the beginning you get used to 1000 advices of this is great to 1000 advices of this is going to be bad. And everything should be take with a grain of salt.

I have to say that comments like "shouldn't you be getting decaf?" surprised me time to time...but still why to get in an argument with it? At the end isn't my pregnancy? and I think even many people feel the right to say or whatever they want to say out of their mouths...due to their First Amedment right...I guess I can decide to battle something not worth and enjoy my coffee as it should be...with caffeine in it.

I keep reading on the birth forum in Baby Center about the multiple complaints that MIL, SIL says and all the co workers told somebody fat, and such and the multiple advices or comments people get through nine months. If you think about it, that's a lot of time listening to all that stuff considering that you already have parents or friends that tell you the same thing. And I even it can be annoying at time, the reality I do laugh, in part, because they ALL are going to miss, in few weeks even the remote process of somebody looking at them and noticing they actually exist...they won't be pregnant anymore and all will be about "how the baby is doing" to a barely hello.
I have to say that I am humble about the quantity of people, some that I know, some that I barely talk through the years asking me how I am doing and I am just going to be FINE. And you know, that's encouraging. People who don't know even where you live and what is your complete name...asking you how are you doing? in a world that we think is more cold than the Alaskan winter...I think I am happy and blessed. I am highly greatful of all those annoying advices although I KNOW I complaint a lot in other posts and in my FB page. I have got all kind of advices, but most of the ones that always end in "you look good" and "you will be fine", and "you will be such a cool mom" I am going to stick with it and believe in those.

I really don't know what type of mom I will be...I guess deep inside me I am scare to death on it. I don't want to be a dictator but not such a liberal that they will be running naked through the streets of downtown or just smoking pot in the school because it should be legal (oh you didn't know I think it should?...hehe)

Anyway, today so many people have tell me I just look "fine" that I am starting to believe I do look fine (not that I feel I look horrible but I am with such crappy aches that I feel like crap)...even my hips and back are killing me today...I know I will be fine. So many have been before and will be after me. I know I will be fine, I should be fine.

In a lazy note, I am taking advantage to work really slow today because a lot of my bosses are out...