A Tear

I have to admit that having a child does change you.

I noticed I am more "in the lookout" for strange things, I get easily irritated when somebody is screaming at a child, I can't watch some programs that includes child abuse even some news that are too sad to even talk about it. Not that I used to run to change the channel to look for those programs, but now I just get too irritated. Too mad and feeling with no power to change the world.

Although I can't control everything that surround me, there are times that you get some news that just break your heart and the only thing that may make you feel a bit better, is to  just give up to tears. Today is the third day of Dylan going to the daycare. After crying that first day, I have been less sad and really excited to see him at the end of the day. It's like Christmas everyday. He is there, happy, smiling...and his smile just do something in my heart that I can't explain. When I was starting to feel better going through that stage of our lives...I got some news on my phone. Also, today, was the birth of the third son of a friend of ours. We knew he had problems. His parents were committed to go to the end and committed to be for him all the time. Information make you more knowledgable but can't prepare you for what you will have to go through. Nothing in life prepares you to say good bye too soon to something so precious. There is no words enough that I can say to make them feel better, but I guess to let them know that they are love and the power of love and family is great than anything else may do something. I feel powerless. Life is so delicate, too many thin lines surround us.

This month in particular have been heating my home plate too much. Another friend is battling with a terrible enemy and I just want to be there for her. I don't feel depressed, just sad. Kind of mad that there are things that nobody should go through. I am not a religious person as you know it by now...and I don't pray. I say things at loud or talk to myself. I really have hard time between logic and faith. But whatever the reason we are here or how we got here, I just hope that whoever is suffering a lost can find strength and get all the love they can from the people surrounding them. Love is all I have to give. It's been said that love cures, love get people together, loves creates people...love give strength to go through sadness and despair.

Today I am picking up Dylan early. I just want to hug him...hug Brad and say how much I love them.

Ah ah ah oh oh ah ah

No, is nothing sexually on it...actually that's what I am listening most of the days lately from Dylan.
He just go on and on and it's funny. He is more alert which I love because there is some kind of interaction and character.

But as I said before, I am not going to talk about my son all the time in these blogs. No sir, I said I wasn't and I won't. One, two paragraphs should suffice. The rest is too much to put on typing.

So what else can I say about? I have been in my home for almost THREE months calendar. I don't know how other women do, but I realized I do like to be out somewhere else talking with people and doing something different than talking kids stuff. Don't take me wrong, I LOVE my son but I just don't think I am the type that can stay at home all the time. If you see my "trone" like my mother called it...is my chair in which I normally breastfeed Dylan, one side my phone, my laptop, my tv controllers and a small table to put everything on it. Pretty handy. And I can breastfeed, change the TV and text/web surfing on my phone at the same time...hell yes. Multitasking is my name.

Anyway, I still don't have a final answer about "what's motherhood". I don't know. Is not easy folks is not but do I love it, yes...which I will do it all over again, YES!

Motherhood

So this is it huh? That's how I suppose to feel...well I really don't know what people expect me to feel. I am tired, exhausted, kind of scare...and sometimes I wish I will be in February 29th again. Why? I have no specific answer for that. Don't get me wrong...I will have Dylan ten times again...X times again. He is just beautiful. I mean he is seriously a handsome kid. You know how mix kids can come...but this one, we did just good.

I mean one of the good things that Dylan was born is that I actually can drink without affecting him. And I know I know I have said a lot about drinking...but the reality I DO LIKE TO DRINK. It is not going to change now and never until I die. I think is awesome to drink, no...not 1 drink...I like to drink around 3 good cold beers, 2 margaritas...and if everything is around food...wine please.

Anyway I am not sure what is this post is exactly about...oh motherhood. Well I have to say I do understand now some of the fears that I guess my mother was feeling and I could not understand them. The best I can do is to prepare Dylan for the good and bad out there. How to prepare him...gee I don't know, there is no book that came after the delivery date in the mail you know. Heck, he was screaming after the circumcision and we had no idea it was going to hurt him that bad for four days, oh well. And yes we kNOW was not necessary but is one of those things that you have to decide to do and since we think yes, it was done.

I think the most important part that I have learned is that no matter how tired somedays I feel, no matter that I carry him back and forth and I feel I have no energy for some reason, or I have no idea WHY is he crying at this moment...he suddenly smiles and I am like "okay I love you a lot" and I forget that at 2 am I will be waking up to feed him.

I guess it all comes like a circus...attending him, Brad, keep friendships...be active, go out, do errands, thinkingt that I will be back to work...all that together is a juggling act, that I must do but the coolest thing is that I don't have to be GREAT at that...I don't have to be perfect. I must be fun doing it. And I am.