Very few times in my life I have been in the situation that I do not know what to do. Seriously, most of the times I have never doubt I can do something or not doing it for that matter. But in the last two weeks, I have been invaded with so many questions about what to do, and I could not find an easy answer. Those occasions that nobody really can help you, only support you if they are really good friends.
Before Dylan was born, I knew I was going to breastfeed. There was no question about it…I mean, for me is natural. Is like if somebody going to ask me “are you going to eat?” well, yes of course I am hungry you know? So I never questioned that…but then I got questioned about “until when are you planning to breastfeed”. And I put emphasis in the “planning” because I did not know that you have to PLAN to feed your child. I am like…well, until six months, a year? I don’t know. I don’t know if I will produce enough milk. In all honesty, the first weeks he latched pretty good but I did not know if he was getting enough milk. How much is enough milk for a baby that eats every hour?? Another, I don’t know.
And I have been in I don’t knows until well he started daycare and I started to supplement a month after that. My supply suddenly was going down due to work and the stress to balance life, relationship and work...is just does not come out of the blue. Forget the freaking books, it just does not happen as easy as it seems. It was CRAZY! My blood pressure went up and has been up and down since then. I know I am doing a good job, I KNOW...but still, the question in my head remains, what I want to do next? And he is fine, he is growing and I do not feel bad that I am supplementing. Many of my friends have support me and repeat me that each on their own and each person is different. You DO what is best for YOU and your child. Mommy happy, child happy that’s the slogan. Simple as that. But still…I am invaded by “I don’t know’s”. Am I selfish? Am I right? Is not about right or wrong…but I don’t know. Aggggg is getting me crazy.
I asked over and over for a solution to my “I don’t knows”, and the only answer I got…do what it feels GOOD for you. Thanks.
Actually my mother explained me that she breastfed me only for a month and that was it and I think I am pretty darn bright individual. So… why suddenly all these concerns and rethinking of something that is so easy? I guess social pressure is one thing…I get really into “if you do it, I am going to demonstrate I can do it too”. Silly me, yes silly…stupid perhaps but oh well, I am competitive too. But we are talking about my life, my time and my child...and my breasts! Don’t forget about them…they have been sucked for months now by a kid and a machine…they are freakin’ tired. Bless their poor souls of them. Then the pressure after I got back to work, taking the breaks to go pump, carrying a rental pump…and the decision should I buy one? You know how much this things costs? 200 and up!!! And why I am renting, well long story short that one looks perfect and it worked for me, the others did not. Sorry Medela you were not that great. If I am going to spend that amount of money obviously…is an investment and I should continue breastfeeding. But do I want to? Is it about money, really? Of course not!
So after almost being in tears because I just could not decide and spoke with one hundred people I realized that I was forgetting to do the one thing I have done my whole life and I have been successful doing it. Doing whatever I want. Forget asking people, you do whatever you want Maritza. Go ahead what you want to do now? Go downstairs and pump? No, so then don’t do it. Be YOU. And then I realized I had my answer that for the last few weeks it has been consumed my life. Suddenly I realized that the best thing I could do was being fully, 100% me and give a fucking finger to what society and the rest of individuals, whoever they are, may think. How possible I forgot to be me? I guess it happens…and it happened to me this time. Oh I missed myself so dearly! This would not happen if I should just do it and nobody- I bet- would have noticed.
And so, I got my answer right there. And I am happy with that resolution. Life will go on, and me and my family will have me, as 100% just me.
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