I don't have time to pee

I feel that I need more hours in a day and one more day during the weekend to at least keep up with all the things I want to do and don't do as fast the other things I really do not want to do.

The other day Dylan was having one of his eternal weird tantrums where nobody, apparently in his little mind, should be happy because he was not. For some strange reason all the freakin' toys he has, the awesome pancakes that I made when I do not even take breakfast or get up at those early hours on a Saturday to make them, that I even do not do to Brad during his birthday (haven't happening yet) were not enough. He wanted to go inside the big boy bathroom and get in the shower and I said no. He was already changed, all clean...not good. But I just wanted to have that intimate moment with ME and only ME alone ...but I could not. He was there looking at me and my panties, and my butt and yes he wanted to play with the toilette too. Really Dylan? Mommy just want to pee alone, I do not use pampers...I guess they should be quite comfortable when you are that tiny...at this age? not so much.

Dylan can't possible understand those feelings...his world is around him...and well, him why not? Heck he is awesome. The problem is that awesome kids came from awesome parents...meaning we are having a hard time understanding our awesomeness in this strange world. Who is winning? Well I am the parent right? okay okay sometimes he is winning too.

The other day I was reading some awesome "Momma blogs" that I have found in the web thanks to one called "People that I want to punch in the throat" I think she is hilarious and not only that she always referred to other moms out there that has a great genius to say things that we all think , well at least I think "most of us" have thought sometime. I am sure not everybody agree, and that's fine but I do not care.

Talking about people that do not agree, the other day I had a strange discussion with a friend if I can say that. I think with time you just make new ones and found out that sometimes, just sometimes, you not longer have common grounds of thinking, principles, etc etc with old friendships. And I think that's bound to happen....so I am not really sad, just surprise of her reaction when I say "normal people" and I got the "you will find out your life has nothing of normal"...and I meditate for like one minute or half minute, actually like ten seconds...well sorry my normal life is the one I have right now and that's normal to me...would be ridiculous to say that my normal life was before so my actual life is abnormal...Wei-rd. So I ended up the discussion because I found 1. annoying stupid discussions when people just get too into each syllable  and 2. discussions that start based in non sense.

I realized I can't stand arrogant people...what a bummer people they are...gosh why they exist? Is like those roaches...seriously, what possible they bring to nature? economy? no no I don't think that even National Geographic can say something nice about them at all! I met I think three weeks ago the most arrogant person in the planet followed by somebody from Fox News because sorry I think those folks are nickel heads and just invent crap.

So my new hobby now is to look for houses...and this is a HORRIBLE job to do! I hate it...it's like going to a web mall and look for shoes for hours! I am sorry if I insult your Prada style but I don't fucking care about shoes or mall shopping sprees...it's a LOT of work! Nothing wrong with the amount of work but there would be a lot of compromises. We are sure we do not want a condo because 1. We like yards and decks and place where we can do some cookouts and play area and 2. I really do not want to share any piece of my property with anybody else. After years living in an apartment aka condo for newbies I got enough.

Back to have time to pee...I realized I do not longer take 15 minutes to drink a cup of coffee during morning hours during the weekend at home...my cup of coffee gets cold every half hour and I even dare to reheated it just for the fake promise that I won't do it again and I WILL finish the darn cup but it hasn't happening yet.

Okay Morpheus is knocking the door...talk to you later.

 

Food for the Thought

Yesterday on my morning walk with my family-we started to do this morning walks by the Beltline after Dylan woke up-we ended up all the way, passed the Bobby Jones Golf course, in Panera Bread...the day was perfect, crispy morning, chill but it was just beautiful. Of course was time for a nice pumpkin spice latte, Dylan had his breakfast and Brad and I were talking about trivial stuff...the lady next to us, who worked there, decided to make some comments about motherhood and all that. It's okay, I know that being a parent (mother or father) will means strangers will tell you all kind of things, good and bad, and the ten thousand commonly use "wait til'" phrase for all the eternity...BUT yesterday when we thought that the conversation was going just to end as it started, nothing out of ordinary...the woman asked "has he been blessed?" I , seriously, didn't understand her question. Brad looked at me and asked the woman again what she said. And she again repeated "has he been blessed?" We all at the same time, said no. No more words of explanation, in my point of view, is not needed since is like "has he been circumsized?" I mean, is personal, our choice, almost like what kind of underwear do you use tongs? bikinis? Nothing else, nothing more.

I found a bit bothered about the question itself. What means being blessed? If you are not blessed...eh are you cursed? I do not recall having a witch coming over Dylan's bassinet and make a curse on him. I seriously don't recall that. After our "no". She said, that we should give "back" because there are other kids with health issues and if ours is healthy we should thank the "Lord". For the very first time in my life (okay I am lying here, is not the first time...the fifth I think) I bite my tongue. What I would win having a discussion this early in the morning, with my coffee and my family about religion beliefs and more importantly the significance of what she was saying, nothing but I was about to yell. It really annoys me this kind of things. Yes, they are annoyed. So, a person that their kids are not healthy are cursed? Isn't she suppose to believe that we all are God's creation and will? What the hell was that?! I seriously had difficulty to breath. Specially when I remembered a friend of mine who up to everything still believes and the least his family would think that they are not blessed even in the worse events that occurred to them this year. What about my friend, who up to everything wanted to believe that she was going to a better life away from cancer? Are all of them, not blessed? They have gave, I think, a lot back...and what they received in returned? suffering! Sorry but I am having BIG troubles , again, to try to understand this kind of yaba deebeedah blahleesh stuff about being blessed. What about if I couldn't bare children? am I cursed...what about the others that can't and thankfully they decided to adopt a child?

People should use their believes wisely...personally I think they should keep it to themselves unless they know the people they are talking to. I don't mind a trivial conversation about children and education but when is mix up with blessings I think I will leave it up to Brad and me and how we feel, and so far we think that blessed is not the right word to say how lucky we are to have Dylan in our lives and that we will keep trying to have him out of danger, but if anything sad happens there is nobody to blame and we hopefully we get answerings here on earth.

Be truthful to your choices

It is OUR choice to take Dylan to daycare...again, is OUR choice. We believe it gives him a lot of independence, the opportunity to meet new kids of his age and be in a social environment that we consider is important.

Our choice is based in our beliefs and our own decision about the life we live in, like and what we think is the best life choice for us and our child.

Now, I found interesting that many people have this negative attitude about daycares...especially because they considered they will get sick more times than if they stay at home. I can understand that, but to base their chosen argument in that...it does not sound logic, believe it or not, your child will get sick...eventually. So be it, if you don't feel comfortable with it...it's okay is your kid. But by the other token be sure to say WHY you think your kid should stay at home all the time...I have other cons on it, but if your choice is because you want that, that is your truth and I respect that. But to say you choose that your child stay at home BECAUSE daycare is A, B and C then you are basing your choice not in what you believe but in other's choices. Better say, you choose based not in your truth but rather in the cons of other choice. So what would happen if I can tell you that there are great daycares and kids do not get that sick? If the answer is that your kid will stay at home, then that's great...that's your truth, so then daycare has nothing to do with your decision, so why to bring it in the first place? Got my point? Perhaps no, and that's okay.

By the way, Dylan got sick the first time when he was at home, only at two months...so fo rme that never have been a factor. He will get sick eventually. I actually was quite a sick child and I had a nanny.

Anyway, at the daycare that Dylan goes...there is this woman that she is nice and all but she is a high pro organic. I do not have anything against organic...seriously. I sometimes I have bought organic actually not because is better just because by accident or just because sometimes it looks better than the other ones and I just need a nice good looking tomatoes. Nothing else. I really do not think I want to pay the premium for organic...just because I think I do not want to, period. I found tiring to make explanations about my food choices, really why people will make explanations about food? gosh enjoy your meal...that is sacred to me. I do not care if you did it in your basement, backyard or tailgating at Turner Field...eat, really, eat.

I come from a family of scientist...so please I do not need to read more or hear more about pros and cons and whatever is on the farms, and the chemicals and hormones...and yada yada. Whatever. Eat and live, live and eat. Back to my story...so this woman came one day with a whole explanation why she wanted to give organic milk, organic egss to her daughter...because she does not want that her kid become a lady at 9 years old. I am sure, many mothers can be worry about when that time of the ages will come. Has to be difficult. For both, I am a girl remember? I got on puberty quite late by US standards...but in all honesty,  A LOT of my friends were at puberty at 9 years and 10 years old...and food in Panama at that time was pretty much organic okay. If you know a bit of science or decide to google a bit more...hereditary factors are part of the sum of when puberty will start. I am not saying if the amount of possible hormones in our food will have an affect or not, I am not an expert on that although I have research quite a bit of it. There is not enough study about it either...and especially when so many other factors (not only our diet and way of living) are in the game, the answer for me is "I do not know". But this mom instead to say something like "I believe my kid deserve organic because I think is the best food available for us" I would have applaud her. But her choice was base how ignorant the people was to eat other type of food than was not organic. I do have a problem with that. I think she is an ignorant in the subject, since her argument was based by attacking other's people choices of food...weak argument.

I found intersting how so many people defend their choices by critizing and knocking down others beliefs or practices. For example, if a Christian decided to say their God is better than a Muslim because in the Muslim world women do not have major rights. Well that is simply stupid. Say that your God is better because has heard your prayers should be a better answer and a more strong one rather than attack another religion.

I think the entire lack of argument in a decision making process just show how weak a choice can be, and that's why so many people use the childish resource to attack or stating the negative of other's people choices to established a self confidence attitude that their choices are somewhat better. They, actually, could or can be, but unfortunately by attacking other's choices it just loses ground.

I always have abby my decisions by my own and only me, because in that way I am the only accountable to blame for it and the one to go back and say perhaps I should have done better. I should have had a better argument to tell this person WHY I believe this...not why I should decide to attack this person to say that my argument is stronger, is not, would be weak. Sometimes, I admitted, have been hard. There has been ocassions that I blame the stupid driver that cut me off and I missed my exit instead of my lack of planning ahead to change lanes on time. I am not perfect. I do try to enjoy building strong arguments when it comes the time of social discussions about friends and collegues.

I learned in junior high my lesson about a strong argument. And why your choices should be done by your own decision process not by the cons of others. When I was in school, and my Spanish teacher gave me my test back, I had a B-. I was mad, I knew something was wrong. I ran and rechecked my answers and could not find what was wrong. So I asked a classmate for her test and I saw that one of my answer was mark wrong but on hers it was right. I ran to the teacher and I said, that I had one wrong but it was right because my classmate had it right. My teacher sat down and told me to do so, and she told me "Taylor, I will leave the one I marked wrong because you cannot tell me WHY should be right. Your argument about being right is based in another's test. How do you know that I did not make a mistake in her test?" I protested...but she asked me to calm down. Then she said "This is a great lesson for you and I know you won't understand it right now, but think about it...if your argument had been strong and you would explained me why this answer's of yours should be right, I most likely would have changed it to right but you decided to base your argument in other's results, ALWAYS when you want to demostrate your point be prepare and use facts, not other's choices".

Day by day I see how many people blame others by their poor choices, be truth to yourself regardless of what others think or say. Same thing on the presidential war right now...do not tell me that you will vote for Obama because Mitt is worse, or you will vote for Mitt because Obama did not fulfilled his promises.

Everytime those things occurs in front of my eyes...the words of my high school teacher always comes to my mind. She was right, be truthful to your arguments and you will have a fair dicussion; but if you choose to be right on your argument because the negatives of the opposite one, your homework is not done.

Race Wars

Ahh the battle of never ends...why I am typing of this today...well I got really fed up about people black and people white talking stupid shit against each other. I have never seen so much bickering about this ever. Seriously...people should get a bit more of science class these days.

I really never care which color you are...because first of all just to named on a "color" somebody is actually like ridiculous. I did not know I had a specific color. You know how many types of brown exists? Boy...we should had a code if we want to screwed up our lives lives on that deep subject. And I am not taking this lightly...I KNOW history and how the history in this country was move different than the other countries...but YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO HAD SLAVES, and if you go to ALL Latin America except I think in deep South America...you will find, a lot of colorful folks.

If you want to complicated and be more exact, colors in HTML uses numbers and letters...want it more complicated than that? Why we don't go like..."hey I saw the guy FCCC1254, was wearting horrible shoes". By the time you try to remember what color is that code you will be talking about going to Neptune, got my point? Perhaps no. My point at the end is that stop facing your life with the color of the people but by their actions, and if unfortunately a big group of people for you feels they act the same...REMEMBER that they are not the same. They all have different color codes, and not all belongs to the same letter or number.

Of course you would say that life is not that simple. It's true, is not. But I have been in both sides...meaning I have been "pointed out" from both sides, both sides being black and white. The reality is that it is sad that still such deep anger and to hold into every single comment by a minority of idiots we decide to do not move forward. At the end, you should ask yourself...does that really matters? If that so, why we do not DO something about it. But to act the same way as the idiot does you are just basically padding his/her back.

ahh Little M is up.

I almost forgot how to be me

Very few times in my life I have been in the situation that I do not know what to do. Seriously, most of the times I have never doubt I can do something or not doing it for that matter. But in the last two weeks, I have been invaded with so many questions about what to do, and I could not find an easy answer. Those occasions that nobody really can help you, only support you if they are really good friends.

Before Dylan was born, I knew I was going to breastfeed. There was no question about it…I mean, for me is natural. Is like if somebody going to ask me “are you going to eat?” well, yes of course I am hungry you know? So I never questioned that…but then I got questioned about “until when are you planning to breastfeed”. And I put emphasis in the “planning” because I did not know that you have to PLAN to feed your child. I am like…well, until six months, a year? I don’t know. I don’t know if I will produce enough milk. In all honesty, the first weeks he latched pretty good but I did not know if he was getting enough milk. How much is enough milk for a baby that eats every hour?? Another, I don’t know.

And I have been in I don’t knows until well he started daycare and I started to supplement a month after that. My supply suddenly was going down due to work and the stress to balance life, relationship and work...is just does not come out of the blue. Forget the freaking books, it just does not happen as easy as it seems. It was CRAZY! My blood pressure went up and has been up and down since then. I know I am doing a good job, I KNOW...but still, the question in my head remains, what I want to do next? And he is fine, he is growing and I do not feel bad that I am supplementing. Many of my friends have support me and repeat me that each on their own and each person is different. You DO what is best for YOU and your child. Mommy happy, child happy that’s the slogan. Simple as that. But still…I am invaded by “I don’t know’s”. Am I selfish? Am I right? Is not about right or wrong…but I don’t know. Aggggg is getting me crazy.

I asked over and over for a solution to my “I don’t knows”, and the only answer I got…do what it feels GOOD for you. Thanks.

Actually my mother explained me that she breastfed me only for a month and that was it and I think I am pretty darn bright individual. So… why suddenly all these concerns and rethinking of something that is so easy? I guess social pressure is one thing…I get really into “if you do it, I am going to demonstrate I can do it too”. Silly me, yes silly…stupid perhaps but oh well, I am competitive too. But we are talking about my life, my time and my child...and my breasts! Don’t forget about them…they have been sucked for months now by a kid and a machine…they are freakin’ tired. Bless their poor souls of them. Then the pressure after I got back to work, taking the breaks to go pump, carrying a rental pump…and the decision should I buy one? You know how much this things costs? 200 and up!!! And why I am renting, well long story short that one looks perfect and it worked for me, the others did not. Sorry Medela you were not that great. If I am going to spend that amount of money obviously…is an investment and I should continue breastfeeding. But do I want to? Is it about money, really? Of course not!

So after almost being in tears because I just could not decide and spoke with one hundred people I realized that I was forgetting to do the one thing I have done my whole life and I have been successful doing it. Doing whatever I want. Forget asking people, you do whatever you want Maritza. Go ahead what you want to do now? Go downstairs and pump? No, so then don’t do it. Be YOU. And then I realized I had my answer that for the last few weeks it has been consumed my life. Suddenly I realized that the best thing I could do was being fully, 100% me and give a fucking finger to what society and the rest of individuals, whoever they are, may think. How possible I forgot to be me? I guess it happens…and it happened to me this time. Oh I missed myself so dearly! This would not happen if I should just do it and nobody- I bet- would have noticed.

And so, I got my answer right there. And I am happy with that resolution. Life will go on, and me and my family will have me, as 100%  just me.

Sometimes I think of...

To be good to others, but send them to fly a kite if they become irrational

To understand that unfortunately not everybody have your same sense of humor...so just keep walking when nobody else laugh

To remember that there are a LOT of stupid people and that idiot that just cut you off in the highway, unfortunately, would not be the last...so let it go

That because the laundry is done does not mean you have to rush to fold the clothes...take a break, you deserve it

To not kill your partner because he took over six months to buy a car, at least it is a nice nice car

Oh time to load Dylan's five months pics...right.

Three hours later...

Five months ago...at this same time, I gave birth to Dylan Yoshi.

Still the moment of his exact birth...it was kind of a cosmic moment combined with the happiness of an epidural.

I still remember that day, like it was yesterday. I just cannot stop talking about it, because I think is one of those moments in your life (and fortunately I had many) that you just have to keep talking about it. It is like the day that you almost got caught stealing your parent's car while they were sleeping. The only difference, the keys were freakin' heavy for about...nine months!

My little baby it does not look much anymore like that tiny thing we brought home. He barely was able to sustained his head...and it looked at me like he has no idea where he was, how he came...no expectations set, uhm what is that feeling of hunger...oh I am crying...something now is going through my mouth...uhmm I feel weird on my bottoms.

Now he looks and smiles...rolls over and found something to entertained himself...everything is eatable, chewable and if it taste good, I will try to suck on it or just swallow it.

He now wants to almost jump from getting in his knees to walk...woa! wait for a moment...I am still getting into the "motherhood" thing and you are doing the "frog" crawling? how? when? how this happened so fast?

In any case...I am at home, we are at home...enjoying another month of our baby growing. Still wondering what is ahead but in any rush to discovered it. I am enjoying everyday...slowly, like that meal that you don't want to end.