Food for the Thought

Yesterday on my morning walk with my family-we started to do this morning walks by the Beltline after Dylan woke up-we ended up all the way, passed the Bobby Jones Golf course, in Panera Bread...the day was perfect, crispy morning, chill but it was just beautiful. Of course was time for a nice pumpkin spice latte, Dylan had his breakfast and Brad and I were talking about trivial stuff...the lady next to us, who worked there, decided to make some comments about motherhood and all that. It's okay, I know that being a parent (mother or father) will means strangers will tell you all kind of things, good and bad, and the ten thousand commonly use "wait til'" phrase for all the eternity...BUT yesterday when we thought that the conversation was going just to end as it started, nothing out of ordinary...the woman asked "has he been blessed?" I , seriously, didn't understand her question. Brad looked at me and asked the woman again what she said. And she again repeated "has he been blessed?" We all at the same time, said no. No more words of explanation, in my point of view, is not needed since is like "has he been circumsized?" I mean, is personal, our choice, almost like what kind of underwear do you use tongs? bikinis? Nothing else, nothing more.

I found a bit bothered about the question itself. What means being blessed? If you are not blessed...eh are you cursed? I do not recall having a witch coming over Dylan's bassinet and make a curse on him. I seriously don't recall that. After our "no". She said, that we should give "back" because there are other kids with health issues and if ours is healthy we should thank the "Lord". For the very first time in my life (okay I am lying here, is not the first time...the fifth I think) I bite my tongue. What I would win having a discussion this early in the morning, with my coffee and my family about religion beliefs and more importantly the significance of what she was saying, nothing but I was about to yell. It really annoys me this kind of things. Yes, they are annoyed. So, a person that their kids are not healthy are cursed? Isn't she suppose to believe that we all are God's creation and will? What the hell was that?! I seriously had difficulty to breath. Specially when I remembered a friend of mine who up to everything still believes and the least his family would think that they are not blessed even in the worse events that occurred to them this year. What about my friend, who up to everything wanted to believe that she was going to a better life away from cancer? Are all of them, not blessed? They have gave, I think, a lot back...and what they received in returned? suffering! Sorry but I am having BIG troubles , again, to try to understand this kind of yaba deebeedah blahleesh stuff about being blessed. What about if I couldn't bare children? am I cursed...what about the others that can't and thankfully they decided to adopt a child?

People should use their believes wisely...personally I think they should keep it to themselves unless they know the people they are talking to. I don't mind a trivial conversation about children and education but when is mix up with blessings I think I will leave it up to Brad and me and how we feel, and so far we think that blessed is not the right word to say how lucky we are to have Dylan in our lives and that we will keep trying to have him out of danger, but if anything sad happens there is nobody to blame and we hopefully we get answerings here on earth.

Be truthful to your choices

It is OUR choice to take Dylan to daycare...again, is OUR choice. We believe it gives him a lot of independence, the opportunity to meet new kids of his age and be in a social environment that we consider is important.

Our choice is based in our beliefs and our own decision about the life we live in, like and what we think is the best life choice for us and our child.

Now, I found interesting that many people have this negative attitude about daycares...especially because they considered they will get sick more times than if they stay at home. I can understand that, but to base their chosen argument in that...it does not sound logic, believe it or not, your child will get sick...eventually. So be it, if you don't feel comfortable with it...it's okay is your kid. But by the other token be sure to say WHY you think your kid should stay at home all the time...I have other cons on it, but if your choice is because you want that, that is your truth and I respect that. But to say you choose that your child stay at home BECAUSE daycare is A, B and C then you are basing your choice not in what you believe but in other's choices. Better say, you choose based not in your truth but rather in the cons of other choice. So what would happen if I can tell you that there are great daycares and kids do not get that sick? If the answer is that your kid will stay at home, then that's great...that's your truth, so then daycare has nothing to do with your decision, so why to bring it in the first place? Got my point? Perhaps no, and that's okay.

By the way, Dylan got sick the first time when he was at home, only at two months...so fo rme that never have been a factor. He will get sick eventually. I actually was quite a sick child and I had a nanny.

Anyway, at the daycare that Dylan goes...there is this woman that she is nice and all but she is a high pro organic. I do not have anything against organic...seriously. I sometimes I have bought organic actually not because is better just because by accident or just because sometimes it looks better than the other ones and I just need a nice good looking tomatoes. Nothing else. I really do not think I want to pay the premium for organic...just because I think I do not want to, period. I found tiring to make explanations about my food choices, really why people will make explanations about food? gosh enjoy your meal...that is sacred to me. I do not care if you did it in your basement, backyard or tailgating at Turner Field...eat, really, eat.

I come from a family of scientist...so please I do not need to read more or hear more about pros and cons and whatever is on the farms, and the chemicals and hormones...and yada yada. Whatever. Eat and live, live and eat. Back to my story...so this woman came one day with a whole explanation why she wanted to give organic milk, organic egss to her daughter...because she does not want that her kid become a lady at 9 years old. I am sure, many mothers can be worry about when that time of the ages will come. Has to be difficult. For both, I am a girl remember? I got on puberty quite late by US standards...but in all honesty,  A LOT of my friends were at puberty at 9 years and 10 years old...and food in Panama at that time was pretty much organic okay. If you know a bit of science or decide to google a bit more...hereditary factors are part of the sum of when puberty will start. I am not saying if the amount of possible hormones in our food will have an affect or not, I am not an expert on that although I have research quite a bit of it. There is not enough study about it either...and especially when so many other factors (not only our diet and way of living) are in the game, the answer for me is "I do not know". But this mom instead to say something like "I believe my kid deserve organic because I think is the best food available for us" I would have applaud her. But her choice was base how ignorant the people was to eat other type of food than was not organic. I do have a problem with that. I think she is an ignorant in the subject, since her argument was based by attacking other's people choices of food...weak argument.

I found intersting how so many people defend their choices by critizing and knocking down others beliefs or practices. For example, if a Christian decided to say their God is better than a Muslim because in the Muslim world women do not have major rights. Well that is simply stupid. Say that your God is better because has heard your prayers should be a better answer and a more strong one rather than attack another religion.

I think the entire lack of argument in a decision making process just show how weak a choice can be, and that's why so many people use the childish resource to attack or stating the negative of other's people choices to established a self confidence attitude that their choices are somewhat better. They, actually, could or can be, but unfortunately by attacking other's choices it just loses ground.

I always have abby my decisions by my own and only me, because in that way I am the only accountable to blame for it and the one to go back and say perhaps I should have done better. I should have had a better argument to tell this person WHY I believe this...not why I should decide to attack this person to say that my argument is stronger, is not, would be weak. Sometimes, I admitted, have been hard. There has been ocassions that I blame the stupid driver that cut me off and I missed my exit instead of my lack of planning ahead to change lanes on time. I am not perfect. I do try to enjoy building strong arguments when it comes the time of social discussions about friends and collegues.

I learned in junior high my lesson about a strong argument. And why your choices should be done by your own decision process not by the cons of others. When I was in school, and my Spanish teacher gave me my test back, I had a B-. I was mad, I knew something was wrong. I ran and rechecked my answers and could not find what was wrong. So I asked a classmate for her test and I saw that one of my answer was mark wrong but on hers it was right. I ran to the teacher and I said, that I had one wrong but it was right because my classmate had it right. My teacher sat down and told me to do so, and she told me "Taylor, I will leave the one I marked wrong because you cannot tell me WHY should be right. Your argument about being right is based in another's test. How do you know that I did not make a mistake in her test?" I protested...but she asked me to calm down. Then she said "This is a great lesson for you and I know you won't understand it right now, but think about it...if your argument had been strong and you would explained me why this answer's of yours should be right, I most likely would have changed it to right but you decided to base your argument in other's results, ALWAYS when you want to demostrate your point be prepare and use facts, not other's choices".

Day by day I see how many people blame others by their poor choices, be truth to yourself regardless of what others think or say. Same thing on the presidential war right now...do not tell me that you will vote for Obama because Mitt is worse, or you will vote for Mitt because Obama did not fulfilled his promises.

Everytime those things occurs in front of my eyes...the words of my high school teacher always comes to my mind. She was right, be truthful to your arguments and you will have a fair dicussion; but if you choose to be right on your argument because the negatives of the opposite one, your homework is not done.

Race Wars

Ahh the battle of never ends...why I am typing of this today...well I got really fed up about people black and people white talking stupid shit against each other. I have never seen so much bickering about this ever. Seriously...people should get a bit more of science class these days.

I really never care which color you are...because first of all just to named on a "color" somebody is actually like ridiculous. I did not know I had a specific color. You know how many types of brown exists? Boy...we should had a code if we want to screwed up our lives lives on that deep subject. And I am not taking this lightly...I KNOW history and how the history in this country was move different than the other countries...but YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO HAD SLAVES, and if you go to ALL Latin America except I think in deep South America...you will find, a lot of colorful folks.

If you want to complicated and be more exact, colors in HTML uses numbers and letters...want it more complicated than that? Why we don't go like..."hey I saw the guy FCCC1254, was wearting horrible shoes". By the time you try to remember what color is that code you will be talking about going to Neptune, got my point? Perhaps no. My point at the end is that stop facing your life with the color of the people but by their actions, and if unfortunately a big group of people for you feels they act the same...REMEMBER that they are not the same. They all have different color codes, and not all belongs to the same letter or number.

Of course you would say that life is not that simple. It's true, is not. But I have been in both sides...meaning I have been "pointed out" from both sides, both sides being black and white. The reality is that it is sad that still such deep anger and to hold into every single comment by a minority of idiots we decide to do not move forward. At the end, you should ask yourself...does that really matters? If that so, why we do not DO something about it. But to act the same way as the idiot does you are just basically padding his/her back.

ahh Little M is up.

I almost forgot how to be me

Very few times in my life I have been in the situation that I do not know what to do. Seriously, most of the times I have never doubt I can do something or not doing it for that matter. But in the last two weeks, I have been invaded with so many questions about what to do, and I could not find an easy answer. Those occasions that nobody really can help you, only support you if they are really good friends.

Before Dylan was born, I knew I was going to breastfeed. There was no question about it…I mean, for me is natural. Is like if somebody going to ask me “are you going to eat?” well, yes of course I am hungry you know? So I never questioned that…but then I got questioned about “until when are you planning to breastfeed”. And I put emphasis in the “planning” because I did not know that you have to PLAN to feed your child. I am like…well, until six months, a year? I don’t know. I don’t know if I will produce enough milk. In all honesty, the first weeks he latched pretty good but I did not know if he was getting enough milk. How much is enough milk for a baby that eats every hour?? Another, I don’t know.

And I have been in I don’t knows until well he started daycare and I started to supplement a month after that. My supply suddenly was going down due to work and the stress to balance life, relationship and work...is just does not come out of the blue. Forget the freaking books, it just does not happen as easy as it seems. It was CRAZY! My blood pressure went up and has been up and down since then. I know I am doing a good job, I KNOW...but still, the question in my head remains, what I want to do next? And he is fine, he is growing and I do not feel bad that I am supplementing. Many of my friends have support me and repeat me that each on their own and each person is different. You DO what is best for YOU and your child. Mommy happy, child happy that’s the slogan. Simple as that. But still…I am invaded by “I don’t know’s”. Am I selfish? Am I right? Is not about right or wrong…but I don’t know. Aggggg is getting me crazy.

I asked over and over for a solution to my “I don’t knows”, and the only answer I got…do what it feels GOOD for you. Thanks.

Actually my mother explained me that she breastfed me only for a month and that was it and I think I am pretty darn bright individual. So… why suddenly all these concerns and rethinking of something that is so easy? I guess social pressure is one thing…I get really into “if you do it, I am going to demonstrate I can do it too”. Silly me, yes silly…stupid perhaps but oh well, I am competitive too. But we are talking about my life, my time and my child...and my breasts! Don’t forget about them…they have been sucked for months now by a kid and a machine…they are freakin’ tired. Bless their poor souls of them. Then the pressure after I got back to work, taking the breaks to go pump, carrying a rental pump…and the decision should I buy one? You know how much this things costs? 200 and up!!! And why I am renting, well long story short that one looks perfect and it worked for me, the others did not. Sorry Medela you were not that great. If I am going to spend that amount of money obviously…is an investment and I should continue breastfeeding. But do I want to? Is it about money, really? Of course not!

So after almost being in tears because I just could not decide and spoke with one hundred people I realized that I was forgetting to do the one thing I have done my whole life and I have been successful doing it. Doing whatever I want. Forget asking people, you do whatever you want Maritza. Go ahead what you want to do now? Go downstairs and pump? No, so then don’t do it. Be YOU. And then I realized I had my answer that for the last few weeks it has been consumed my life. Suddenly I realized that the best thing I could do was being fully, 100% me and give a fucking finger to what society and the rest of individuals, whoever they are, may think. How possible I forgot to be me? I guess it happens…and it happened to me this time. Oh I missed myself so dearly! This would not happen if I should just do it and nobody- I bet- would have noticed.

And so, I got my answer right there. And I am happy with that resolution. Life will go on, and me and my family will have me, as 100%  just me.

Sometimes I think of...

To be good to others, but send them to fly a kite if they become irrational

To understand that unfortunately not everybody have your same sense of humor...so just keep walking when nobody else laugh

To remember that there are a LOT of stupid people and that idiot that just cut you off in the highway, unfortunately, would not be the last...so let it go

That because the laundry is done does not mean you have to rush to fold the clothes...take a break, you deserve it

To not kill your partner because he took over six months to buy a car, at least it is a nice nice car

Oh time to load Dylan's five months pics...right.

Three hours later...

Five months ago...at this same time, I gave birth to Dylan Yoshi.

Still the moment of his exact birth...it was kind of a cosmic moment combined with the happiness of an epidural.

I still remember that day, like it was yesterday. I just cannot stop talking about it, because I think is one of those moments in your life (and fortunately I had many) that you just have to keep talking about it. It is like the day that you almost got caught stealing your parent's car while they were sleeping. The only difference, the keys were freakin' heavy for about...nine months!

My little baby it does not look much anymore like that tiny thing we brought home. He barely was able to sustained his head...and it looked at me like he has no idea where he was, how he came...no expectations set, uhm what is that feeling of hunger...oh I am crying...something now is going through my mouth...uhmm I feel weird on my bottoms.

Now he looks and smiles...rolls over and found something to entertained himself...everything is eatable, chewable and if it taste good, I will try to suck on it or just swallow it.

He now wants to almost jump from getting in his knees to walk...woa! wait for a moment...I am still getting into the "motherhood" thing and you are doing the "frog" crawling? how? when? how this happened so fast?

In any case...I am at home, we are at home...enjoying another month of our baby growing. Still wondering what is ahead but in any rush to discovered it. I am enjoying everyday...slowly, like that meal that you don't want to end.

A day like this

Dylan normally wakes up two times every night...sometimes three depending if he goes to be "early" or not. Yesterday night, he woke up around 2am and I was able to put him to bed right on...so no food, he just needed assurance that everything was fine. Then he woke up at 4.30am...would have been nicer if it was at 6am when our alarm went off although I normally I know is 5.30am and the day is on. But unfortunately he did not. He woke up hungry at 4.30am and I fed him.

Brad joined us, and fell asleep in the coach. Before that, he served me a glass of Gatorade...so sweet. And everyday is like that, a routine that it seems it will never fails...until you realized that you are the only one thinking you are in a routine...you are in a rollercoaster my friend.

It is 10pm and Dylan decided he is not going like the other days to go to bed anytime soon. Brad is taking a break, watching the 200m butterfly in which Phelps did not go for the gold for a silly "no touch" on time. Sorry but Le chot, Le Clod whatever your name is... you really are not that fast, but games are games.

I still don't get why Equestrian is a game..rich and famous, whatever.

Well, Dylan fall asleep again on his own...just wanted to play but sleep conquered. Now mom and dad can have a dinner with a cold beer.

Fell to Earth

Yesterday was 4th of July, and for third year in a row I ran/walk the Peachtree Road Race. A 10K race that thousands of people participate. Believe me, I hate to run...I mean I cannot find any pleasure in doing such thing, but for love I do it. Brad introduced me to it three years ago, something that he started five years ago as a family tradition...and somehow I got into it as well.

I guess the best part of doing it is that strangers cheer you up, thousands of volunteers along side give you water, words of courage like you are doing this for some personal cause. Like you have to do it, and is totally voluntarly. Most of the businesses along side the race (since one of the main roads of Atlanta is closed for several hours) cooperate and bring the best of mankind. I think that is the best of it...for couple of hours, everybody is friendly, you are there completing such achievement...does not matter you time. Young and old we are in the same spot...cheering each other that "we can do this...together". Is really such a great joy to feel human, that after all the bad news we heard, listen and see there is something good in humans.

Part of the race goes through what I called the Triple Crown...a series of churches of different denomination one in front of each other and beside each other. During the race some priests go out with holly water. Of course through the race you will find some Christian band, some loud prayers to remind us about our sins and that somewhere there is a heaven if we realized the wrong road ahead. I laughed and made a weird smile when I go by...I just think for a moment how possible I can say "thanks" when I remembered such horrors we read time to time in the news. Somebody rape, some child abducted...chills go through my spine and suddnely I woke up again, walking faster and tired.

Incredibly when I was going by the first church...I remember Everett, this child who could have been the friend of my son and opportunity was not given. I felt sad suddenly. And incredibly, I made a long lasting prayer while I starting to run. I promised that I was going to run until Lindbergh Way as a goal and during that time, on my head I threw out these words...for whoever listen to me, I don't care who you might want to think I say it, I just can say it to the ones I know...so I told myself, I am saying this prayer to you:

"Please give me a strength to finish this...I haven't done an exercise over a year because I just didn't feel to do it and in all reality I have no idea that being pregnant was hard...being a good mother is harder. I have doubts, concerns...please forgive me for pick up Dylan so late the last Friday. Poor child, he was the last one in the daycare and I promised myslef I won't do this again. He does not deserved it. Give me patience while I am driving, I know I shouldn't yell at people or give them the finger...I can get killed or cause something worse but really there are some idiots should not be driving at all, why you just can't put a flat tire in all their tires? at once please? Please remind me that I should remember to say I love you to Brad everyday, he does it at all times...and sometimes I feel why he do it? He loves me, what dumb me...and I sometimes still to say I love you too I am start thinking that I forgot to marinate a chicken...who cares. Think for a moment in something else than taking care of a house. The house will stay, your love can get on jeopardy if you do not pay attention it. Give strenght to my friends that miss their son, he went away too son...not fair. Give health to Dylan and Brad...and all our families so they can be part of his life too. To remember to keep in touch with friends even to say hello. Give me strength to finish my job, I don't feel happy about it...I feel I just can't keep up with anything. Am I losing myself? ...protect my parents, they are getting old and it worries me and there is not much I can do about it. Anyway, to whoever in pain...please can it go away? "

Time went up and I crossed Lindbergh Way.

Four months

It has been that long? Really?

I still can remember as it happened a day ago!...I woke up at 3am...and there was this pain...and the pain got worse for the whole day. Rush to the hospital from the OBGYN clinic...and at 7.03pm Dylan was born. Four months has passed since then and I am not, in no way, the same person I left this place early on March 1st and returned on March 4th at noon.

We left being 2 and returned being 3...scary.

Brad and I were looking at some pictures of Dylan when he was less than a month...so tiny.

And then today, he is four months!!!!

How times goes by...where it went? Well...it definetly felt that my maternity leave was eternal...and now after go back to work I am in urgent need of a long long LONG vacation.

Okay Dylan wants food...and mommy needs to stop writing!



When illness stop by and knock at your door

I always have been a sick person. No kidding. You perhaps have the luck to never see me sick, nothing enthusiastic about it. When I was a baby, my mother recalled, I had to be hospitalized just as newborn. By those old rules she wasn't allow even as a mother to stay in the same room with me. Cruel times. She until these day considered that I was a different child, less happy and angry at her because of it.

I neve worry much when I get sick because most of the time, almost with 100% guarantee I know what it is  and the outcome and thanksfully the technology solution is always at my hand.

When I was in high school and college I suffered repetitively of throat infection and such. Colds and gripes yes, but mostly infections who people still confuse bacteria cause with virus cause. But still people say "do you have a cold?", No I don't, I have a sinus infection...does not matter. But I won't continue on that discussion because people prefer just to be away of a stuffy nose person and I am fine with it...the ignorance of science is something I don't deal well with it and that's another 500 pesos.

Anyway, after so many throat infections I finally had my tonsils removed past my 20's and things seemed get better...until I moved to Georgia. If you are allergic you may fine not pleasant your stay in this state. Is just the way it is...but oh well. I am here, I went through years of shots, and multiple types of allergy pills and nasal sprays. Some work, others did not.

But with all that said, it really didn't bother me that much since I knew that I was going to get better regardless...but when sickness hit your door and go to your children that's something I have never felt before. It's anguish in the most unfair way. I don't mind how I feel...I do mind how Dylan does.

It just keep amazing me how things have changed to the point that I call friends to verify his symptoms...call the doctor several times since we just do not know. He seems in good spirits and that's all it matters. But still is just a different feeling...I don't care about my infections, possible hospitalizations...but when is about your kids, your whole world turns and now I understand how horrible was the feeling that my mother told me before. Leave me in a hospital without the possibility to do the anything about it. I couldn't not say a word, I did not talk...as a baby you can't say "oh well mom, in here...it really hurts, and even I don't have a fever my head hurts though". No, there is no way to know. I wonder how doctors even can know...a lot have to do miss and hit.

This week for us has been into know more about our child, to know when he is happy or when is not that happy...and even you did not get those two hours of sleep because you kept looking at the crib if he was fine...the smile I got from him was the best medicine I got for my sinus infection today.

Good night

Yesterday was the memorial services for Everett. The son of a friend of ours that came with a serial of deffects that nobody could find a solution for, he passed away few hours after he was born. For the few of my friends that I told I was going to this memorial services their faces was of pain. How such a tiny creature could go away? How possible such thing happened to somebody?

I don't think that anybody will ever be prepare to let a loved one go...less a person you created. Talking with Brad yesterday after the services, I thought in all those soldiers that have died...son or daughter of somebody. I heard one time in a movie that "no parent should buried their children". And is true. The pain, I assumed, is unbearable.

Although Everett beat the odds, staying alive longer than the doctors predicted, the outcome was not unchanged.

Yesterday was in general a very stressful day. I woke up feeling crappy...the part I did not know Brad was feeling worse than me. We both are sick. Dylan has been sneezing all week and with a cough. It looks he is better than us in that matter, but I was getting worse and worse...and I already had antibiotics two months ago, same time that Dylan got sick too. My plan was that Brad would take care of Dylan for the day before going to the memorial services around 2pm while I was able to take a nap. The services were in Canton, which was an hour away from where we at. Sure I was for a different day. Brad asked me that he needed to rest and he really was looking awful so I agreed. After he made me breakfast I was basically alone with Dylan. I did laundry, clean the kitchen, spoke with mom through Skype, folded clothes, clean a bit and play with Dylan. I was exhausted. Dylan was battling my breast too. I felt really sad. I have never had problem breastfeeding him and I think the use of bottles during the day since he goes to daycare is making a toll on our breastfeeding sessions. He was getting exasperated that my flow was too slow. I could not do anything. He wasn't staying enough time so I could have a let down...I had this horrible sensation that feeding him on a one-on-one may come to an end. I did have seen my supply reduce since I start working and my mind start sinking with all kind of thoughts and google searches. I always felt lucky that I never had an issue breastfeeding him and now this? I even ordered a box of Mother's Milk to make me feel better. The day was getting with an "agg". I made the donation to one of the causes they put in the memorial email that they sent. I cried a bit...I was trying to prepare myself for the services, I said to myself I would not cry. That they needed to see people smiling at them...that was my idea in my head, silly I know.

I hate to leave things at the last minute...but with Dylan I have learn that I can't control my schedule as I wish. I have to let it go...many times, over and over again. I feel comfortable with that reality. I knew I wasn't going to finish drying our clothes...so be it. I took whatever medication I knew it was safe to take.  I started to think if it was right to go with Dylan to the services. I didn't want to show with a baby...Kim just loss one. Would I cause more pain because I show up with a baby?

My doubts were answered when we got there. Everybody dressed in baby blue and casual clothes as it was asked in the invitation. There were other couples with babies as well. Keith was a college friend of Brad, and guitar buddies. He is a friend that support us in our relationship when things were not great. He was there for Brad. It was our time, to be there for him and his family. The service was in a modern church. Family and friends, we were all together to say one last time good bye.

 Of course I cried. I cried because it is just not fair. There are no words to say that WTF. It is hard for me to believe that things happens for a reason, even I say that phrase many times. How you say a death happens for a reason?. Don't be idiotic. Shit happens, yes like a car crash or you lost your sunglasses...but a baby? That is too cruel. That is just not right. I was sitting there with a healthy baby...that supposedly should not be healthy because everybody think that after 35 you can create a mule instead of a human being. And they were there, younger than me and that is happening. I felt weird. I felt sad and of course I was feeling sick so nothing of that was helping me to stop crying. I hold Brad's hand because I could focus in something while Kim and Keith at different times were speaking how they felt about their son. That part was heart breaking. I can't imagine the pain but they were brave and went through it. I don't think that there was no soul in that auditorium that was not crying. Nobody should have to go through that, but they had to. They were given no choice. Why? It amazed me how so many people with faith hold into it to go through it. I guess the reasoning is that it helps. And I was there, yelling at myself..."but there is no god people". I have battle religion since I guess 20 years old. Don't get me wrong...I was raised as Catholic and even I made the confirmation. I still battle, are we THAT alone? for believers of course I know the answer...for the ones like me, I don't know.

 I know all the fears I had when we found out we were pregnant. When in Babycenter people were saying good bye's every day because they lost their baby...oh my God I used to say, please not me...not me. Those were the few times I did silly prayers to something, somebody just to feel I was safe of such horrific outcome. Funny thing, I never was a baby lover. I mean...I never spoke about having kids. I think I am highly impatient person. I have always believe is a choice, and I still do. But I never knew what it was, until I have one now. It is one of those things that people insist to tell you "is great, is hardwork, is terrifying but worth it" but you must live it on your own, at your own time.

It is terrifying what you have to go through before somebody tell you if something is "okay" or "oh oh we need to make more testing". Then after that you always are in fear to each ultrasound. We had over 7 ultrasounds because I was over 35. And in each one, Brad and I were clueless about what we were looking at the screen. In all honesty, they could have been showing us the ultrasound of a bird and we still would believe it was our baby. I just recognized the head, a leg, hand there...that was it. I used to see a lot of dark spots...and I kept telling myself...is that normal? That does not look good, isn't? The doctor always checked the heart and the head...and sometimes he would check longer than usual and my hearbeat would go up to the roof...oh my God they found something! I knew it...now what? No, nothing...all normal. And every visit to the perinatal consultants was like that. A rollercoaster of emotions that by January I really wanted that our baby came out early. I was done of this thing. If something was wrong was better to do an operation earlier than later. Outside the womb. I prefer the reality now than later. But nothing of that came. All my fears went away after Dylan was born three months later. Now of course I have other fears...I woke up and check that his breathing...I am panicking that he will be a victim of SIDS. Chill out I kept telling me.

But after knew about Everett, those are the times I have hard time and reassure me that we are just alone in here. That there is no "up there". I told Keith that when choices are not given we just have to do the best we can with the time given to us. And that part I quoted from the Lord of the Rings. Frodo told Gandalf that he would wish that the ring never came to him...that it never existed...and Gandalf told Frodo that " All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us."   Keith and Kim decided that they were going to love Everett and have their time as a family. Some people would say...at least they have two other kids, well yes but it does not matter. You can only have one of them once. That's it. Genetics are there...but they mix in different way everytime. You will never repeat an Everett...He was unique, with all of his issues, he was unique.

I cried the first time I was starting reading Keith notes in Facebook...I have to say, I guess part of his acceptance process was to be as open he could be with his friends and family. He kept us posted of all the outcomes, good or bad about Everett. The story of Everett has impacted so many. Kim has a blog that I have read through Brad's FB page. She writes beautifully and with a pretty down earth brainwork. As a mother she is right on the spot...who would not be angry. Who would not scream as such reality checking? As she said today..."I don't want to be any inspirational woman". She is damn right, she just want her son.

Of course you will get all kind of comfort words...that some are just plain ridiculous, but with good intentions. I guess I still have not found any type of comfort words that I can say. Words that can at least ease or minimize the pain of my friends. Those are the times that you wish you will be like House and be so smart to find the reason of a disease and be a super intelligent doctor and found a cure to it. What cool that could be? How many people who is suffering something so cruel like this would feel better. But nobody can't right now. There is cancer and nobody still have found the cure to it.

Today I have watched Dylan's crib more than usual. He is growing so fast. I filled him with kisses, play with him tonight and just finished feeding him...and I just can't imagine my life without him. I felt sad because I have no answers, my logic can't process all this. I realized that we have such little time for everything. So in a couple of hours when Dylan wakes up again, I will hug him and keep telling him how much I love him. And when Brad wakes up I will tell him the same thing. This remind me a scene, and I always cry in this scene, of one of my favorites movies called Playing by Heart. There is a scene where Ellen Burstyn as the mother is hugging her son that is dying from AIDS...and she is citing this excerpt from a children's book "Goodnight Moon".

Good night cumb
Good night brush
Good night nobody
Good night mush
Good night to the old lady
whispering hush
Good night stars
Good night air
Good night noises
everywhere

Motherhood version 12.1

Explicit words...be aware.

WHAT THE FUCK! second day in the working and I forgot my breast pump, hell arise! Thanksfully my hero Brad decide to eliminate his lunch and go back to the apartment to get my pump. Even those horrible hours were tough, I had to concentrate doing things that I have not done in a long long time. I even can't remember where my folder is at!!! Three months and I became an idiot...really? Where is my query? How am I suppose to do this? Did I this before? Are you sure? I feel dumb and more dumb with at the hours go by.

Back on the pumping...yes, I am proud to say I breastfeed and I will leave it like that. No commercial punded here is just the way it is. And if you are not a fan of breastfeeding or think is wrong, move on and don't post anything or I am going to "hunt you down!". People in this country are INSANE about this stupid war about formula vs breastfeeding moms. I mean...is like a catfight. I really give a F if you want to give tofu milk to your child but leave me alone. I have to say is easy for me to bring my boobs with me wherever we go than to think how many freakin' hours the milk was out and if it should be okay to give it or not.  See, feeding is a WHOLE new chapter to learn in parenthood and I didn't know that. Fucking unreal. So many charts and hours to count...geez, I can't imagine if you didn't like mathematics. Anyway even if you decide not do any of the above...your body, well doesn't know that yet so it will continue produce milk until it figures it out that there is no need for it. But in the meantime...If many of you haven't had the luck to know what it feels to not pump when your body think a baby needs to feed from you, I can give you these few words. Imagine...just imagine that you want to come but it hurts and you just can't. Get the picture? And the pressure will continue growing, that's ...that is the worse part. Anyway, good luck for me I got my pump before it got worse. Of course, Sam (my GM), as curious as a cat asked me what was going on...when I explained him the situation in secondary words...his face was priceless.

I still can't and I guess I will never undersand what is the fixation of this country in reality TV. Please people get a life! I really didn't put the TV on until 3pm when the Law & Order marathon was on in TNT, then at 6pm I would change it to USA to watch NCIS. But in the mornings...oh gosh...from Teen Mom, Basketball Wives...what a pair of bitches and low class citizens! all that drama and just disgusting shows that in all honesty people should be ashame of that. Is like...really America? is that the best you can do? horrible. I can't explain the dismay of that. I have to say that the only show I did like it a lot in the mornings was in Food Network: Jamie's Oliver 30 minutes meals and the green curry I did was phenomenal so thanks Jamie...by the way he is a hot British guy (but married with three kids..). We found a new TV show that we do like Top Gear (is about cars) but the BBC version is hilarious! and of course I can watch over and over PBS Masterpiece and I will be waiting for the season 3 of Sherlock Holmes.

We planned accordingly Dylan's daycare days, so he started a week ago and he has been doing good and me too. I did cry the first day I left him...and the second day. But it has been good and a good decision for all of us. He is really happy, he normally is a happy baby. I wait for him every evening like a new Christmas present that is put below the Christmas tree. I miss him during the day but the waiting time to see him, is just really good for me. I feel I am concentrating good at work but I don't feel entirely happy with some changes. Nothing wrong with changes is just that I know when the judges on the last surfing competition didn't notice I was riding some waves.

I have learned with time in corporations that if a wave start to be too big to ride and you want to shine, don't become a crazy Hawaiian, go and find a better beach with better waves. I think that says it all.

I am dividing everyday my brain in so many ways that until today, Thursday, I was able to NOT forget a single thing. I still have issues finding my keys in my purse. I know they are there, I just can't find them. I do recheck I have my wallet and my cellphone...VERY important things in my life. I have a new badge to NOT forget to enter to the daycare because is in the FAA building. So, another thing that I can't forget. I even have started to tell myself I should give a kiss to Brad because I even tend to forget that and that is something I don't want to.

Yes, having a kid OBVIOUSLY change your life but is actually fun. I am happy, I have to say you never going to be "ready" to be a parent. I still feel weird when people asked me "so how motherhood feels?". Well I don't know really. Me? a mother? still Mother's Day was kind of in a blur. I did got presents, I got cards and love and a son to celebrate.

Having a kid is not the end of the world. People should stop the fucking drama, it's annoying! seriously! Sorry I won't agree that you won't be able to do XYZ. I don't and I will continue debating on that. See, a kid is part of you, you bring it here...how possible suddenly you are not you? The other night my friend MZ told me about this gig Above & Beyond in Opera. I have long long time to not be in a gig since over a year ago 1) I was studying for my MBA hence I didn't have time to go out and 2) Then I was pregnant and I was avoiding smoky places...so I really wanted to go but a guilt mentality hit me. How I would go out and let Dylan at home? Do mothers are allowed to do that? Brad was the first one to tell me, go! I have to say I was more worry to let Brad alone with Dylan than other thing. I love Brad but he just sometimes get distracted and I know he will kill anybody for Dylan...but I was worry that he would not wake up if Dylan needed food. Well it turns out, Brad never went to bed (and he was eagerly proud to be awake when I got there and gave me all the details of his night alone with his son) even it was past 1 am and Dylan slept that day until 4 am and then woke up at 8am, fall asleep again and woke until 10am...and Brad was able to go to play golf with some friends. Everything work just fine! I was happy, Brad was happy and Dylan was great that day too. So again, yes it changes you. Instead to stay until 3 am and go to eat somewhere after the gig, I left after one of my favorites tracks and left before it was over. Instead of a red bull vodka, I had a beer cortesy of MZ. So yes it's different, but as MZ  told/asked me "...but, weird, you are happy huh?". Yes, I am.

I still in desbelief we created such beautiful thing. I mean...I always said that mix kids can come and go as very pretty or very weird...we got lucky and we got a freakin' handsome one. No guarantees how will stay in the toddler and child ages...we will need to stand by and see.

My mother stayed with us almost three months since Dylan was born. My dad came to visit as well. I don't have enough words to thank my mother for the help she gave us. After she left, I have to say, I was about to pull my hairs out of my scalp. But suddenly I calm down and everything went back to calm...I still don't get why carrying a child is not considered exercise. Do you know how is to carry for 30 minutes 14 lbs of body weight back and forth while doing laundry?????

My first week at work is almost over. I have a total new respect for the ones who stay at home and for the ones who go back to work. Is a hard circus act that not even the Wallendas would be able to practice more than once. It just happens, as it comes...you have a child by choice, it changes your life and brings something I can't explain...if you ask me, I will confuse you with my answer. I am the same Maritza, the same Taylor...I just know now what my mother, grandmother repeated me to death long ago..."wait and see, you just wait and see". I can see mom, I can see.

 PD. My OB insisted that after a couple of weeks women forget all the pain of labor. I will disagree. I haven't forget it. I am not traumatized either, but how possible you can forget that? are you out of your mind? So, no. I haven't forget.

A Tear

I have to admit that having a child does change you.

I noticed I am more "in the lookout" for strange things, I get easily irritated when somebody is screaming at a child, I can't watch some programs that includes child abuse even some news that are too sad to even talk about it. Not that I used to run to change the channel to look for those programs, but now I just get too irritated. Too mad and feeling with no power to change the world.

Although I can't control everything that surround me, there are times that you get some news that just break your heart and the only thing that may make you feel a bit better, is to  just give up to tears. Today is the third day of Dylan going to the daycare. After crying that first day, I have been less sad and really excited to see him at the end of the day. It's like Christmas everyday. He is there, happy, smiling...and his smile just do something in my heart that I can't explain. When I was starting to feel better going through that stage of our lives...I got some news on my phone. Also, today, was the birth of the third son of a friend of ours. We knew he had problems. His parents were committed to go to the end and committed to be for him all the time. Information make you more knowledgable but can't prepare you for what you will have to go through. Nothing in life prepares you to say good bye too soon to something so precious. There is no words enough that I can say to make them feel better, but I guess to let them know that they are love and the power of love and family is great than anything else may do something. I feel powerless. Life is so delicate, too many thin lines surround us.

This month in particular have been heating my home plate too much. Another friend is battling with a terrible enemy and I just want to be there for her. I don't feel depressed, just sad. Kind of mad that there are things that nobody should go through. I am not a religious person as you know it by now...and I don't pray. I say things at loud or talk to myself. I really have hard time between logic and faith. But whatever the reason we are here or how we got here, I just hope that whoever is suffering a lost can find strength and get all the love they can from the people surrounding them. Love is all I have to give. It's been said that love cures, love get people together, loves creates people...love give strength to go through sadness and despair.

Today I am picking up Dylan early. I just want to hug him...hug Brad and say how much I love them.

Ah ah ah oh oh ah ah

No, is nothing sexually on it...actually that's what I am listening most of the days lately from Dylan.
He just go on and on and it's funny. He is more alert which I love because there is some kind of interaction and character.

But as I said before, I am not going to talk about my son all the time in these blogs. No sir, I said I wasn't and I won't. One, two paragraphs should suffice. The rest is too much to put on typing.

So what else can I say about? I have been in my home for almost THREE months calendar. I don't know how other women do, but I realized I do like to be out somewhere else talking with people and doing something different than talking kids stuff. Don't take me wrong, I LOVE my son but I just don't think I am the type that can stay at home all the time. If you see my "trone" like my mother called it...is my chair in which I normally breastfeed Dylan, one side my phone, my laptop, my tv controllers and a small table to put everything on it. Pretty handy. And I can breastfeed, change the TV and text/web surfing on my phone at the same time...hell yes. Multitasking is my name.

Anyway, I still don't have a final answer about "what's motherhood". I don't know. Is not easy folks is not but do I love it, yes...which I will do it all over again, YES!

Motherhood

So this is it huh? That's how I suppose to feel...well I really don't know what people expect me to feel. I am tired, exhausted, kind of scare...and sometimes I wish I will be in February 29th again. Why? I have no specific answer for that. Don't get me wrong...I will have Dylan ten times again...X times again. He is just beautiful. I mean he is seriously a handsome kid. You know how mix kids can come...but this one, we did just good.

I mean one of the good things that Dylan was born is that I actually can drink without affecting him. And I know I know I have said a lot about drinking...but the reality I DO LIKE TO DRINK. It is not going to change now and never until I die. I think is awesome to drink, no...not 1 drink...I like to drink around 3 good cold beers, 2 margaritas...and if everything is around food...wine please.

Anyway I am not sure what is this post is exactly about...oh motherhood. Well I have to say I do understand now some of the fears that I guess my mother was feeling and I could not understand them. The best I can do is to prepare Dylan for the good and bad out there. How to prepare him...gee I don't know, there is no book that came after the delivery date in the mail you know. Heck, he was screaming after the circumcision and we had no idea it was going to hurt him that bad for four days, oh well. And yes we kNOW was not necessary but is one of those things that you have to decide to do and since we think yes, it was done.

I think the most important part that I have learned is that no matter how tired somedays I feel, no matter that I carry him back and forth and I feel I have no energy for some reason, or I have no idea WHY is he crying at this moment...he suddenly smiles and I am like "okay I love you a lot" and I forget that at 2 am I will be waking up to feed him.

I guess it all comes like a circus...attending him, Brad, keep friendships...be active, go out, do errands, thinkingt that I will be back to work...all that together is a juggling act, that I must do but the coolest thing is that I don't have to be GREAT at that...I don't have to be perfect. I must be fun doing it. And I am.

Stages

I have to say...that parenthood is in stages.
I was worry about the circumcision first, then I was worry if he was pooping "enough", then what was that rash in his forehead...and each time around it has passed a week and things get better.

Sleeping in the other hand is a totally different issue. I have to say I am or "was" lucky that Dylan sleep through the wee hours waking up only two times (every three hours) to get food. And that was awesome...until yesterday. And it has continue on a NO sleeping mood since then. We don't know why.

So much that in a day is the first time I haven't had the time to check on my laptop. I am basically reading magazines while he is feeding or watching tv just to be in touch of the world for few minutes.

Talking about the devil...he is starting to cry...really? he just ate! but well is that OR listening to the Easter Concert and I haven't get my coffee...so I better check on him.

Introducting Dylan Yoshi

Can't believe it's going to be a month in a couple of days...a month almost has passed to suffered a horrible pain AND an amazing joy (that joy can be quite interesting...because the first joy in all honesty is that he looked okay and looked healthy, the second joy part is that okay the entire labor thing was over). Anyway...I am posting two pictures of Dylan that I love...fortunately he is calm in both of them.

The first one was made by my friend Ashley who, again, took picture of us and our new joy.

And this one, I took it in his first "tummy time".



Jumping from 38 weeks to Dylan is here!

Okay I have been REALLY bad at updating this...but here is the recap.

Week 38 nothing really was happening. Nothing, I mean no cramps just going downhill with the huge belly.

Week 39 I had on Feb 29th my 39-week appointment at the clinic. All normal...NO DILATION at all...baby was heads down and everything seems right just well wait for week 40. I made my appointment for week 40 and ultrasound.

March 1st at 3 am I woke up with heavy cramps...one, two..."Brad, I think we should start counting this..." three, four...getting worse. The sun comes out...it was not going to be a cold day but not super warm either, it felt warm. Okay contractions...these ARE contractions...hell Mary this is horrible, what the hell!!!! seriously? who came out with the freakin' idea that a human being should be in a scrutiniating pain!

Go to the clinic, bad news: You are barely dilated 1 cm....go for a walk and come back in a couple of hours. 10 am...we are walking in the park and beltline near our apartment. Every 5-10 minutes I was controlling my breath and talking with Brad. Holding his hand, holding myself over him in a horrible pain. At the end of the walk by noon I was thinking "is this it?", "is this the day we were preparing for so long?"...I had so many weird thoughts:

• I hope this kid looks normal
• Is it a boy or a girl...okay are we really going for Dylan Yoshi if it's a boy?
• Omg this really really hurts...why why I know they told me "you will know" but this is horrible...the worse part YOU KNOW is coming! and yes another more and another...and another...I am going to die. I need to push...something needs to come out NOW!
• Am I going to ask for an epidural...what's the deal to go without it? oh geez this pain is horrible
• Okay oh no...I didn't order my cube, it's a mess...I didn't log off! well at least I am not in the office. Well Sam should be happy, this didn't happen during working hours.
• Oh the vases of my plants are empty and with stinky water...so disorganized. Oh I forgot to teach Julie something else...nevermind, they all will figure it out.
• Oh my gosh...really I am going in labor...I am panicking, no no I am NOT ready for this. What I will do , can I breastfeed? I am not ready for this...aggg mom? really? Am I going to be call mom already/ I am not ready!!!
• Well the good news is that I hope I pushed and that thing will come out soon
• This is so unknown...I am glad I didn't spend money in the childbirth class this is so stupid, there is no way this happen to everyone! some are lucky than others...this pain is horrifying!

So finally we went back to the clinic and I was 3cm+ and "we are going to have a baby today!"...happiness!!! smiles...wait! WHY am I smiling if the pain will get worse? really woman? get over and tell somebody that no no, not yet. I can't find words...I have another contractions coming up...okay RUSH me to the hospital.

They put me in a wheelchair...I have to say...wheelchairs are the most uncomfortable thing ever. Who invented that crap. I feel bad for people who MUST be in one. I feel too little..too low and in pain. I see blurry images of strangers...where is my mom? Brad? I saw him and a voice that tells me "hold me hold me" and "look at me look at me"..suddenly a doctor showed up in the middle and told me "focus you are doing great"...focus dickhead? focus in what?!!! Men are so fucking lucky...if I were a men and see a woman in this pain I will cover my balls in cotton balls for the rest of the day in fear that might happened to me.

Fast forward...I am at the hospital, OKAY. Now where is my darn epidural people? A cheerleader team of nurses received me, smiling...blond gals most of them...am I like in Beverly Hills 9201 or whatever the number is? I am like...okay "We were waiting for you"...I am fucking glad..."where is my epidural"..."oh is coming soon"..."what you mean with soon?" soon can mean 1 minute to 8 hours...not soon enough for me...

I got in a bed...my mom is there, Brittany (my sis in law) and Brad's mom arrives...oh cool I have visitors...expectators...camera is on...okay WHERE is my epidural. They gave me like 10 freakin' pages to sign...to be honest they could have put to sign "I renounce all my organs" and I would have sign it without knowint it...is just stupid for WHAT I "pre register"? so stupid procedure that doesn't mean anything. Again, WHERE is my epidural?

A cute guy came in...all the expectators must go except Brad. Brad takes my hand and the nurse instruct me not to move "even if a contraction is coming"...SERIOUSLYYYYY?!!! "How long have you been doing this?" I asked to the anesthesiologist...he looks too young to be doing this, cute though but too young...uhmm okay whatever. as long you know what are you doing. He said something about my nice back curve...not sure what tha tmeans but doubt was a sexual connotation of any kind. I didn't care that I actually I didn't do anything with my hair. Oh well who cares.

Slowly...oh I am a human being again. I can see the mountain (contractions) in the monitor and don't feel anything...so by 4pm I was dilated at 7cm...they put Pitocin on my IV to make it faster since my contractions still were 8 minutes apart, they should be 5 minutes apart...uhm why I feel pain again. Another anesthesiologist came...Puerto Rican, older...whatever he puts in there my legs are gone. Is a very weird sensation..I mean WEIRD but I didn't care.

By 5pm I was full dilated (that means 10 cm)...now I have to say I never understood the entire measure shit in this place. In Panama we use the metric system but we use pounds for weight...but in here you use the English system all the way but when you are pregnant...things are in weeks, cm, oz and mililiters, liters ...WHY? do you think Idon't have enough worries to do conversions at this time of the day people? Anyway that was a mild vent.

Dr Williams who was the one on call at my clinic, and saw me earlier on gave the news "we are having a baby before dinner!" yaaahoooo wooohoo...I think Iwas like "YEAH!!!" and Brad was smiling soo much like somebody told him that he was getting a BMW 5 series brand new just for free. Ha! no dear you are going to spend WAY more than that! haha.

At 6pm something I started pushing...only me, Brad and the nurse. Which actually, Caroline, the nurse graduated with Britt in the same graduation we went to Augusta last year...uhmm isn't she too young? yes, but heck...I was like that...just brand new engineer and wanted that people believe how good I was. But in labor, you REALLY don't care. I did not care. So far for me she was doing an excellent job because I didn't know anything about "pushing" a watermelon out of my vagina (did I say the V word? get over yourself people!)

By 6.45pm or something the nurse told Brad if he wanted to see "the head"...and then "oh there is so much hair...do you want to see it?" I somehow was able to pull myself up (very strange position) and I saw the hair...I mean there is HAIR and a head like a cone and redish and I am like WTF that thing is coming out of me??? but doesn't hurt...great. Then the nurse called the doctor...and the doctor and a bunch of other nurses came running. I mean it was like war zone...so many instructions "don't push" "omg this kid is almost out"..."stop what are you doing"....well duh I am like in labor you know...then is like "one push...now" okay..."stop stop stop" I swear I am NOT doing anything else...but I just felt a pressure and HE came. Dylan Yoshi Sill Taylor was born at 7.03pm with less than an hour of push and basically at the end I even didn't feel it coming out. This bright big red WARM boy was put over me in a white towel...he was sooo hot and big and then it hits me. I gave birth to our son.

I have no words to explain the cascade of feelings...and I still can. The recovery and such shitty parts I will leave it alone and won't tell you shit about it. It sucks, but actually I am recovering pretty fast. I am already using my pre pregnancy jeans and I loving it. Still some belly to sucked up but nothing major...that shit will disappear soon.

I am excited and yes it comes with big challenges and yes, I know many of you will say  "I told you so you won't be able to do this or that". Guess what? Every time you say it is more than a challenge to me. I will tell you that my life is not yours and that's the beauty of all...mine is unique and I love and will love it as is. That's all I can say right now.

The best weapon of all: choices

With so many conversations through my pond of friends and acquantainces I came to the conclusion that a woman's life, in this century, period of time or call it whatever, is about choices. I have to say that for me, I considered, that is the best weapon of great achievement a woman can have.

Many, unfortunately, haven't realize the power of choices they actually have in their hands. Again, the choice to not use it is in itself powerful. And let me explain you in the detail what I meant with "the power of choices".

In the old times, a woman really did not have many choices. It was not allowed to work, or gain a wage, it was not allow to make a household decision or even a decision about how she should be dressed. What to study, actually, no study at all. Education, work, revenue gain and politics was reserved and command by men. A woman could not vote. I have nothing against men due to all these, but I think women have advance quite a journey...and still seems many of us fight against each other to understand that is not about you but about to increase the power of choices for all. For the ones who decide to take that choice and for the ones who decide not to take it.

It was not an easy battle and I am not going to get into historical debate here about who was the one we should we thank or feel proud. The general attitude is to remember that we would not have the broad choices we have at hand today if it was not for others who considered that regardless of your choice, a CHOICE should be given to you, period. And only you to decide. I think that is empowering and we should continue fighting, battle and be advocate to expand those choices.

Having a child these days...it came to my mind that another set of choices have to be made. Those choices in which I feel alarm at the quantity of women who bickered and attacked others just because they do not choose choices or path of living that they considered "most important and best for children". I wonder why? Why is so hard to understand that there is no right or wrong...just a choice, and I can promised you nobody have died for several type of choices -especially the ones I am going to tell you in here-.

I am sure that there are still women against women who work or decide not to marry, and all that yada yada comes mostly by other women rather than men. I haven't met a man until this day that has tell me "I think woman should not work" or "I think woman are for kids in the home". Perhaps, I do not live or have any known man near me that would be with that thinking.  I am sure those men, will find the perfect bride for them. It would not be me for sure because...they are not going to be my choice. But again, I have even a choice of who I want to be marry, befriend, etc.

It amazes me that regardless of whatever we read, fact or assumption, breastfeeding is still quite a debate. I, personally, will breastfeed. I love my breasts and I not only see them as part of my beautiful body but I know that Brad get delighted by them as well...but I know that organically and phisiologically they are there because we are mammals. Men have them too, but due to hormones they are not meant to growth with the capacity of producing milk as the female does. And this part is all about science that you can research on your own. But overall, I do not critize or judge if you decide to not breastfeed. I think is great that formula was created. Many jobs and a stream of businesses have been made thanks to the creation of formula and more choices have been given to women AND men. I am pro capital markets and I love business. That's why I think that choices are a great sources of revenue, gain and overall economy boost that all countries need. I see things beyond the social aspect or the "I prefer" attitude.

Other great debate is "to be a SAHM (stay at home mom)" or " working mother". Again, the same debate starts. I was borned in a household in which both of my parents work. I had a person who take care of me when I was little. Still it was a stranger. I have to say that in my experience since is the ONLY one I have is that I have nothing against my mother. I love her and I think that decision make us today better. And that work for us. I think the best decision she made was to go to work. My parents, each of them, were the first ones in their generation, in their families to graduated from an university. That is an accomplishment that many families STILL have to go through in this decade. Education, is not a guarantee is a sacrifice. It is expensive even in Panama for many, and time, focus and dedication are a must. Not many people have them. My parents did. Without that I would not be in what I am today...and how I can ask to change that? I do have some of their straits on it. I decided that I will work...but there are many factors that come to play into it. I love my work first of all. I have accomplished a lot since I came to this country and I have to say, I do love money. I like to see my personal checking account with several zeros on it.

 Education was something my parents put in me like a washer machine puts soap in your clothes. Did they brainwash me? probably so, but then I make my life around people who have been brainwash in the same form as me. Be aware, I have nothing against to the ones who decide to be at home.  Again, is your choice and is a good one for you. And that's the beauty of all. You can have a different choice than my choice and still be friends. I do not think anybody should explain the WHY they choose a different choice. Is not my choice. Is not my life.

The other day I was telling my mother and Brad in different ocassions that each person decides with who they want to be. And is true. Because your choice is tied with the choice that other made and agrees with you. Would be stupid to make a choice and change other's person choice just because it "must" be with you. That would not work.

Of course social pressure is still a nuissance that many of us have to go through, but there is the choice to ignore and IS a powerful one. I love that one. I choose to ignore a lot of things because I choose to. I decide to choose not to watch news only specific ones when I feel the need to get back to the newsworld. I choose to read The Economist online, and I choose to check time to time news about Panama but not all the time. I do not live there and that is my choice. I have chosen many things that people may feel offended, in schock or whatever...do I care? not really. Because those are my choices and this is my life, not theirs. I think the CHOICE to be yourself is one of the greatest one...and I am very happy that I have been able to be truth to myself and keep that choice regardless of the pros and cons I have found in the road.

Why I choose to have a child? I am not sure yet, I do not see it as "because is normal duh" I think there is a more deep thought about it...and I really can't explain it and you know what? I won't explain it either...that was a combine choice, there were a lot playing around about it. I know I had a conversation with a friend about it and I was debating about it or get an MBA, and even the conversation was more into having children I actually decided to go for an MBA because that was something I wanted for sure. Interesting isn't it? 

The last of my powerful choices is marriage. The new question is not when I am going to pop but if we are getting marry...I wonder why? what having a child has to do with getting marry? I mean when I was a child I knew my parents were "married" I guess, but did I really know that? I lived with my parents, both of them. But to know about such social standards did I really know about it? My grandparents NEVER got married and they had 5 children. My grandparents for the side of my dad I never knew the entire story about it. I had many friends who had one mother I don't think I care about their parents though...in my family there are a little bit of everything that I think that's why I have never paid attention to that matter. Did I know my parents were marry in a church or court? how possible I knew that? is there a difference for me? I don't recall any conversation about "marriage" when I was a kid only something about "my mom or dad" oh perhaps Barbie will marry Ken? Actually, when I was a child the law was that a woman took the men's last name after marriage. My mother, being a proactive feminist, always have put her maiden name in front of her married name. Today even in the most modern of societies a woman have the CHOICE to not even include her husband's last name. I think is fucking great...if you have EVER have to change your credit cards, driver's license and all that crap...you WILL put the person who put that law in place in a pedestal. Which is funny because why can the husband take the last name of the woman? But nobody think of those silly arguments.  Anyway, so back to the choice of getting marry. So how possible that has to do with having a child? If I were about to marry, I would not change my last name. First of all I like Taylor and thanksfully works wonderful in an English speaking country like here, and second I have a LOT of shit under my name that I will have to change and I don't choose to do it. I changed it once and I won't change it ever again. Pain in the ass. No need, I choose to use the choice given. So at the end...I never understand those type of questions...I get like a "waaaa" in my head because it just do not make sense to me. It's like a person who starts to work and somebody asked them if they are going to buy a car. What work and having car has to do with each other? Nothing.

So after all this...you DO have choices in life, and you should be thanksful about all the choices you can make, the ones you don't have to make and the ones you decide not to make because you do not want to. And I didn't touch the choice of religion because I choose not to talk about it not because arguments but because I do not believe -and that's different than choice- in anybody with higher power over me or any human that can change our choices.

False Alarm

Yesterday I woke up at 1.30 in the morning with a horrible pain...I mean woke up, so this is it? Then cramping continue and some strong contractions came in too but in all around it was just like a bad cramping night. That went until early hours of the morning...ready to go work, nope.

I pushed Brad to left and I would keep him posted. Is that time of the day that I must of the time I really do not know what to do. He asked me...and I really do not have an answer. We are just clueless and I guess somebody has to make a decision. In any case, whatever it happens I know I would have time to do something.

My mother and I ended up going to my clinic and they hooked up on monitors - baby's heart beat and contractions for 20minutes in a nice lazy boy. I have to say, we DO need a nice chair...at least for breastfeeding purposes because that old couch won't make it.

Anyway everything is fine, a doctor's checked on me confirmed "you are not dilated even 1 cm"...the expectations of my mother were clear, no grandson (she insist is a boy) today. Well, no need to get any bag that has been ready for a week now.

I am getting kind of frustrated...we thought we were late we actually got almost everything set up a week ago and it has been there ahead of time. Oh well, better prepare than not.

I am amaze how quickly we set up the apartment knowing how tired and exhausted I was, not only that working full time still. And driving still although I am leaving now to Brad to drive most of the time..."just in case". I wonder what people do when they set up a nursery months in advane? that's crazy. I am glad we are not like that...that will drive me insane. We are for a good start...although Lil Monster considered that even yesterday it did 75F it was not good enough for him/her to come out.

We are still waiting...

Best quote ever

I think this line will say everything what happened today until noon:

“Meetings are an addictive, highly self-indulgent activity that corporations and other large organizations habitually engage in only because they cannot masturbate”

 Dave Barry

I woke up at several times in the early morning...since 3.46am which I remembered very well because I grab my phone and said "3.46". My watch died couple of days ago and I haven't had the time nor the energy to go to the Time whatever place is called to get the battery replace. I still put it on though because I need that weight in my wristband...anyway...I had three contractions between 4-5am and I think I fall asleep again after that. Waking up again by the sound of my alarm at 6.28am which I snooze until 7.10am. And that's when I started to get mad. Brad got up and started complaining that he didn't want to be "again late at 9am in the morning". In all honesty I know I have been late at work with or without doctor's appointment and the rest of my aches...but to be honest...I am trying my best. I know I can call the cards and say fuck it, I am going out on maternity leave using what I have right now because I am fucking exhausted. But I don't...I am trying to make it there. I am trying to make the point that pregnant or not I CAN be productive and I want to be. I want to be treated fairly and that I am not complaining all the time or even I look miserable I should be given the same projects than others are getting...because, after all, I didn't study all this time...to be the pregnant woman.

We had a mild discussion which ended him apologizing and going to get the Friday treats that I owe to my team today. First obstacle conquered, move on. Then I get to work and is really cold outside...I mean is COLD outside. I just feel too cold with a sweater and a jacket on today still I feel cold, and I hate the feeling of feeling too cold. The cold didn't help my mood.

We had staff meeting today too...which I don't look forward to it much in all honesty. Unless we are agreeing or deciding something, I still don't get the entire thing to listen to one voice, one tone for 85% of the time. To be honest I don't care about the Grammys. I think this country have nothing else to do than to follow people who doesn't care about you and only in their own fame and drug addiction...why do I care? I don't. But I even have to listen about that...really? not even in a joke I care. Notice that I am cranky? Yes I was. The crankiness didn't get better when I heard a name about "congratulations in your extraordinary job". Oh waow...that's the coolest thing I have ever heard! I guess I should do all my appointments and personal stuff using my work phone. Seriously, I guess I got this time the message. The more personal stuff you do at work, the better. I shouldn't get mad about this kind of things. I have been too long in here to experience what is unfairness and stupidity...too many times but it keeps bugs me. I guess I am not for political skin type. I can't stand bullshit. And I am not quite into call it out by name.

The reality of my life, I know, is that sooner or later I have to decide to do something on my own so I can be at peace with myself and spend less or zero time getting angry about stupid burocratic bullshit I can't stand.

Notes

Today for the very first time somebody made a comment about one of those things that "you should not" drink or do during pregnancy. In all honesty I am cool with those comments most of the time...since the beginning you get used to 1000 advices of this is great to 1000 advices of this is going to be bad. And everything should be take with a grain of salt.

I have to say that comments like "shouldn't you be getting decaf?" surprised me time to time...but still why to get in an argument with it? At the end isn't my pregnancy? and I think even many people feel the right to say or whatever they want to say out of their mouths...due to their First Amedment right...I guess I can decide to battle something not worth and enjoy my coffee as it should be...with caffeine in it.

I keep reading on the birth forum in Baby Center about the multiple complaints that MIL, SIL says and all the co workers told somebody fat, and such and the multiple advices or comments people get through nine months. If you think about it, that's a lot of time listening to all that stuff considering that you already have parents or friends that tell you the same thing. And I even it can be annoying at time, the reality I do laugh, in part, because they ALL are going to miss, in few weeks even the remote process of somebody looking at them and noticing they actually exist...they won't be pregnant anymore and all will be about "how the baby is doing" to a barely hello.
I have to say that I am humble about the quantity of people, some that I know, some that I barely talk through the years asking me how I am doing and I am just going to be FINE. And you know, that's encouraging. People who don't know even where you live and what is your complete name...asking you how are you doing? in a world that we think is more cold than the Alaskan winter...I think I am happy and blessed. I am highly greatful of all those annoying advices although I KNOW I complaint a lot in other posts and in my FB page. I have got all kind of advices, but most of the ones that always end in "you look good" and "you will be fine", and "you will be such a cool mom" I am going to stick with it and believe in those.

I really don't know what type of mom I will be...I guess deep inside me I am scare to death on it. I don't want to be a dictator but not such a liberal that they will be running naked through the streets of downtown or just smoking pot in the school because it should be legal (oh you didn't know I think it should?...hehe)

Anyway, today so many people have tell me I just look "fine" that I am starting to believe I do look fine (not that I feel I look horrible but I am with such crappy aches that I feel like crap)...even my hips and back are killing me today...I know I will be fine. So many have been before and will be after me. I know I will be fine, I should be fine.

In a lazy note, I am taking advantage to work really slow today because a lot of my bosses are out...

The Biggest Fear of Working Men

Losing hair? nope, you can be unemployment and lose that one...not getting promoted? not really, is equal for men and women...BUT be near a pregnant woman that looks is about to pop up? hell yeah!

Yesterday on my Pacific meeting...remember my Korea stuff? well it was finally time to meet with John and the Pac folks. I was eating my old timers Sweet Tarts (and I will continue on that story later because you are surprise I like something called a candy) and suddenly one fell off to the floor. I just said "ayyyyy" and John almost had a heart attack. It was REALLY funny! He keeps being all freaky about me being pregnant, I guess because or he doesn't know who is the father, or how I even got pregnant ....not entirely sure what he can be thinking. Not that I care, but I wonder what...just out of curiousity.

Anyway, after that episode I was telling that to Brad this morning and he said, believe it or not that's a big fear for guys...because unless you have read or have kids already, you have NO clue what to do. And I guess is true. See, movies are a big problem...first of all they are for a 2 hours span, labor is not. So you see a movie people rushing to the hospital and in the next 10 minutes of the movie there is the baby. In reality you may or may not break water as easy as it looks in books or documentaries or movies, etc etc...you may have contractions and they may last for a long...long...hours. But in any case I guess I should have a "Labor Plan" at work since I am surrounded by men. My boss, my director and my co workers next door ALL are men. Not that I have no confidence in their capability to deal with situations like this...but I guess would be wise for me to put them on hook what to do or what are my wishes in "case" Labor Painful Day kicks in.

I am in better mood than yesterday, oh the Sweet Tarts. The other Brad asked me "do you like Sweet Tarts?"...I guess he didn't know. But I have been a fan of Sweet Tarts since school times. See, in Panama sweet tarts first came in commisaries in the old Panama Canal Zone. If you had a friend of a friend of a friend that a friend of an uncle worked in there...you could get sweet tarts at school and you were like an idol, because obviously you get that "from the United States", like big thing but you know when you are a kid I guess you get impressed by a lot of bullshit. Anyway, after Sweet Tarts made their way into Panamanian stores I used to buy the big tablets and especially the purple one was my favorite. I could be delighted by that for hours. Now, I am a big fan again...and a co worker have those in his drawer and has been really kind to let me take them for free! So I am back on my sweet tart habits. For me, they are not sweet so I liked them. But yet, I am not a fan of cake or sweets and I still remain as one of the strange creatures that don't like chocolate.

Okay time to go back to work...when is 5?

Who is Maritza Taylor and other things that are really making my day miserable!

Well yes, I want to know who is this another "Maritza" who is getting my registry a big complication. Not to pardon the eternal stupidities from Babies R Us. See? Babies R Us system DOES NOT UPDATE SIMULTANEOUSLY when you do a change in your registry, hence whatever change you do...is not worth until 24 hours later; even by "view" it shows the incorrect info.

I just wonder who dares to carry my same name and last name, really? I don't recall even there was another Maritza Taylor that I knew of in Panama! now I moved all the way, miles up north, a lot of miles, and arrived in this city and bam! the day I did my registry, people tell me that there is ANOTHER Maritza Taylor. Really? until now? I even don't know this person and I don't like her. She has some kind of association with Babies R Us too because both sucks!

Today is not a good day for me, emotionally not even physically. I feel exhausted and my stomach doesn't feel well either. Just not good at all. I just want to be in bed crying at loud of how miserable I feel today. Does that help? no, but makes me feel good to feel pitty of myself time to time. I am fucking tired to feel that I should be strong as I have been. I feel like a whimp. I don't blame hormones but myself of this situation although everybody tells me is because "I'm pregnant".

We started moving yesterday and what we found is that we have fans but not lights on the fans, really? how cheap in fees you must be to not include lights but fans...or viceversa? Just stupid ridiculous shit. I guess apartments complex realized that now they can anyway get their rent up without some fixtures (that you WILL need) but still pay it and you will get the extra expense. In all sense, I guess we should have look further for more apartments, but where, when?? Times up and the best decision has to be made with the information given. Whatever I just feel really annoyed. Funny of all, if you have a pet...the pet pays rent! can you check that out? Have you seen that before? A monthly rent of $15 bucks for a four leg. I perhaps shouldn't laugh. Airlines are charging fees for whatever these days right? and fees are a big revenue...so I guess other businesses are relying on those "other fees" to generate more revenue. At the end, the course of a business is to keep generating revenue and that can't be done with the sole and stall based of your main business. You always have to keep looking for ways to increase that revenue.

But is not only that, that bothers me, the lack of lights on the fan, is that I realized we are downsizing. I didn't realize that when Brad and I moved in together we didn't get rid off anything, we just combine and put together everything...two drainers, two set of spices, and more spices, two set of knives, eight pillows (seriously the quantity of pillows we have is ridiculous), cups...don't get me started on that one...really? Okay I have to recognized that when I was moving from my condo to my first apartment I had wine cups AND I went to Marshalls and got crazy on buying kitchen stuff. I bought not only more wine cups, I bought wine glasses and more cups. So we actually, if we paid the liquor license to the city of Atlanta, we could open a bar. Then there are the pint glasses...we can go two weeks before even need more glasses really? how come? what happened in here? Then I noticed WHERE are we going to put all the guitar cases, the keyboard, omg the skis!!! where are we going to put that!!! We are losing tons of storage and that is bugging me big time. Keep in mind that the move from where we at is NOT bugging me really. I mean I never really really liked the entire place...not sure why. Perhaps the bums near by annoyed me even they never bothered me directly. But I don't know. It never felt like home and the entire mess the maangement did with us was just to put them in court. Even the place was HUGE for what we were paying for. I mean...it was a house size apartment of 2b/2b...and now we are getting down, losing some 200+-q ft  big change...not necesarily the prices got downsize though. It really doesn't bother me that part much but is the entire thinking of WHAT TO DO? Then it come the part that stress me the most...we have no crib, I have to do the laundry stuff of the baby, no car seat...we are waiting for baby showers to kick in and people asking me stuff and hence the first part of my blog come back again! it's all messed up.

I told Brad that I needed to decorate the place just to fulfilled the need that I will be fine later on, that Monster will have his/her first place nicely and s/he will fill safe in there but then after I keep telling myself all that, I noticed I didn't measure the window and got the wrong rods for the curtains. Then I realized that if you want to decorate you are going to spend...if you want that a place feel home is more than wine cups to put on. I feel suddenly lost and overwhelmed.

I can't concetrate in what I suppose to discussed about Korea today with the folks in Pacific...the market just sucks. And in the other side of my head I am just thinking well Korea sucks but I need to go to Home Depot to get the right curtain rods and then go back to the new apartment and when we are going to cook dinner for next day? I hate to be expending so much money when Monster is coming...I never have been panic on money matters though (okay I retract that one), we have been incredible good on it and that's one of the top things I love about Brad. I mean we are both debt free, we have paid our school, I neeeded some school loan at the beginning and I paid it off. How cool is that? I should be happy and proud (part thanks to my parents who helped me too). I just feel that perhaps am I not ready for this? After all the time I keep telling myself that I am tough and a lot of women are whimps I am just going to sucumb (not sure if that's a word and I am too lazy to lookup) but meant if I am going to just put myself down because all this????...well yes! I feel horrible. I feel idiotically bother about what's going on. I don't suppose to be moving! I suppose to be like all girly and freakin' pregnant redoing over and over my registry! Isnt' what most pregnant women do?

But the reality is that no, I won't have an apartment readily today not tomorrow. Rome wasn't built in a day my mother keep telling me. "You always wanted to do everything but like now now not waiting that things need practice" I never understood what she kept saying that, in other words I have no patience for waiting for things to happen. In someway is true. For me after 3 months of pregnancy I have to say heck let's move things fast forward and get the baby out, simple as that. Short span adventures have been my life...and it keep me bugging me that things always takes way more time than that.

I used to think that receiving the bills of doctors appointment, ultrasound and all the labs you have to take bothers me...I mean...gosh the PRE-having a child is like annoyed. I am tired to pay shit. I am tired to go to the doctor and people put stuff on my belly. I know I should be happy and all but today I feel like worse than the Grinch. I don't want that anybody tells me what other shit is happening on the registry that they can't find me. I dont want to know. Do I need to know that? no, I don't want to. I can't do anything to fix stupid aka BRU (Babies R Us).

Everybody has been quite supportive, so I am thankful of it but I just feel really down today. So I won't be smiling for awhile okay?